“I Watch STAR World, Get Me Out Of Here”, Scream Millions of Frustrated Indians
Posted by: sizzler69 on: August 11, 2009
Early today, Rupert Murdoch, owner of the STAR Television Network, officially announced that they have run out of any and all original programming for broadcast on their English language channel, STAR World.
With viewers clamoring “I watch STAR World, get me out of here!“, the broadcasting giant’s management find themselves looking at the graying anatomy of their line-up.
The network’s current choice of sad and revolting reality-based shows have left audiences asking if the people at STAR really were smarter than a fifth grader?
While the broadcaster still maintains that their programming line up aims to be bold and beautiful, the viewing public thinks otherwise. “What lame asshole would choose to play reruns of Friends over and over and over again for years on end?!” screamed one frustrated mother of three. A 12 year old we interviewed wanted to know if “Karan Johar really is a closet faggot?“
With STAR TV refusing to act on the feedback of millions of viewers, one is left wondering whose line it is, anyway?
Is Karan Johar indeed a closet homosexual?
Frisky Security Staff Cause Global Fuck-Up, courtesy Continental Airlines
Posted by: sizzler69 on: July 22, 2009
Over-enthusiastic security personnel working for the recession-hit Continental Airlines created pandemonium in India after the media here released reports of India’s most-dearly-endearingly-totally-wonderfully-’belovedly’-loved ex-President A P J Abdul Kalam was apparently frisked before being allowed to board their aircraft.
When the airline’s security head for Indian operations was contacted, he reportedly said, “It is the policy of Continental Airlines to frisk every muslim man, woman and child. It is the policy of the United States of America, in unwritten law, to be prejudiced and biased towards people of a particular faith, race, caste or creed. Aren’t you morons aware that your disgusting skin-colour only compounds the problem? You filthy Indians make me want to puke.”
Visibly disturbed reporters then contacted the operations head for Continental Airlines’ India Division. “Everyone loves being frisked,” said the agitated highly paid employee. “We particularly employ these bountiful babes who touch you in the right spots, make sure your family jewels really are your family jewels and to shake their booty at the slightest alarming indication. Fly us, and decide for yourselves.”
In the meanwhile, the normally hard-working, law-abiding, sincere and patriotic Indian Parliament was in an uproar over the incident. “We cannot accept this,” exclaimed a paan-chewing idiot politician named Laloo Prasad Yadav. “I may be Prime Minister tomorrow, and I will not take my shoes off!”
To which a smug Nitish Kumar was overheard smirking, “Thank goodness! As if his bad-breath wasn’t enough to kill everyone on the airliner!”
Continental Airlines has reiterated their commitment to customer service, adding that secure travel is the expectation of every passenger, employee and nation. “Once, our in-flight food was so bad, it even killed one of our pilots in mid-air during the course of a journey, but we still ensured every customer left with a smile!” The Airline staff also ensure every customer has a warm boarding, pleasant journey and secure arrival.
“We haven’t had even one single complaint,” says the airline’s public relation officer, Aparna. “Ever!”
While many sections of the media and the blogging community lambasted the ex-President for choosing to fly on an American-based airline company, the humble and unassuming Avul Pakir Jainulabdeen Abdul Kalam silenced his worst critics by saying, “I’d rather be humiliated by a disaster-plagued foreign service provider than poorly serviced by an aging Indian carrier!”
In unrelated news, national carrier Air India is facing a serious crunch for money and is in the process of taking strong measures to turn-around it’s flagging performance.
News related to the frisking incident 1
News related to the frisking incident 2
News related to the frisking incident 3
News related to the frisking incident 4
News related to the frisking incident 5
Pictures of various Continental crashes (more fuck-ups?)
Independent reviews of Continental Airlines 1
Independent reviews of Continental Airlines 2
Independent reviews of Continental Airlines 3
India’s Union Budget Presentation 2009-2010 Interrupted Due To Country-Wide ‘Aam Aadmi’ Pandemic
Posted by: sizzler69 on: July 7, 2009
Millions of Indians all over the country heaved a collective sigh of relief as they woke up to news of the latest budget that would invariably fail to affect any of their shallow meaningless lives.
“Thank God these bastards haven’t tried making my life better,” said one relieved, yet unaware MNC employee.
Year after year, Indians undergo a collective punishment in the form of a seance session by having to watch geriatric fools tell them they know how to balance a trillion-dollar national budget mostly based on debt, besides themselves having to live off Government dole. The problem is compounded by the moronic national media in India who have always suffered from low self-esteem and the pressure of having to show themselves as being ‘responsible’, ‘mature’, unbiased’ and ‘in-touch’, while the entire national reels under the most weary hours of their sodden lives.
Hospitals across the country saw crowded waiting rooms and a rush of patients who mostly consisted of vacant-eyed drooling businessmen, stock brokers, budget analysts, retired pensioners, government servants, news anchors and other people above the age of thirty-five who claim to understand the budget sessions as they are broadcast live.
“We have also been inundated with numerous cases of people trying to gouge their eyes out, burn injuries from trying break their television sets, ear-drum ruptures from inserting sharp foreign objects repeatedly into their ear canals and even attempted suicides,” said one exhausted doctor standing in the crowded AIIMS lobby. “It’s a good thing we were prepared for this eventuality when we heard the budget session was being broadcast today.”
Schools and college authorities were relieved to learn of far fewer injuries among their wards. “It’s truly providential that no Indian youth worth his salt would ever be caught alive watching a program or channel covering turning-point events related to their own motherland and nation.” However, the worst is yet to pass.
Hasty measures by the Government of India to contain this pandemic includes a directive to the media and political parties to stop using the vomit-inducing phrase “Aam Aadmi”, while containment experts point to this as being the leading cause of acute nausea, itching, respiratory issues and other suicidal tendencies among the younger generation that missed the original broadcast.
Said one shaken resident of Delhi’s posh Vasant Vihar, “I saved my parents from turning into vegetables by insisting that they watch a rerun of Mumbai’s grand new bridge inauguration. God gave me the wisdom to differentiate between television programs that are useful and those that are dangerous.”
Stories of narrow-misses, near death experiences and incredible rescues abound. The nation’s collective brush with destruction at the hand of Pranab Mukherjee’s droning intonation and monotonous voice has angered lakhs of people who want to know why they are put through this harrowing experience year after year.
Meanwhile, morons from the opposition party, apparently titled the BJP, claimed that they could have done better and made an even lesser impact. 
When reporters asked what were the top three changes the fading and aging BJP would’ve made in this year’s budget session, a geriatric person named L K Advani said “Firstly in the order of presenation, secondly in the accent and intonation, and most importantly, in the saffron hue the budget rightly deserves.” When media-persons suggested that he may have confused the budget presentation with a bovine market sale normally held on the borders near Bangladesh, the angry party leader retorted “Jai Hind!“
Photos of the Union Budget Presentation 2009
Webcast of the Union Budget 2009-2010
Finance Ministry’s Budget Website
Main Highlights of The Union Budget 2009
Understanding The Union Budget 2009 1
Understanding The Union Budget 2009 2
Understanding The Union Budget 2009 3
India Legalizes Homosexuality; Repeals Article 377 : Deepthroat Act Leaves Muslim Leaders, Christian Clergy and Hindu Leaders Gagging
Posted by: sizzler69 on: July 2, 2009
In a landmark judgment, the Delhi High Court today legalized homosexuality.
“This day will go down in history,” said a spokesperson for the Naz Foundation, the people who actually brought the petition before the courts and have been fighting the case for 8 long years.
“This day I will be going down during history!” says a shy yet excited student supporter of the LGBTQ movement, referring to his college class.
Expecting to be touched by the hand of God, globally millions have instead been touched by their parish leaders, maulanas, temple priest, religious leaders and other god-men. With atleast one in three gay men acknowledging that they first indulged in homosexuality while either participating in a choir, sleeping in religious schools, dancing at temple functions and other related religious programs or events, the LGBTQ community have been startled to see their very initiators lead the protests against their own personal Frankenstein.
“Now I can tell the whole world of the special relationship I share with our community maulana,” exclaimed one particularly naive student of local madrassa.
“I’m sure my parents will be very happy that the man in my life is our church pastor,” said another Sunday School volunteer. “Everybody loves him!”
Hindus we contacted were particularly blase about the whole thing. This was attributed to the fact that despite acting straight, almost all of them were rampant closet faggots. “Everyone knows that to be a Brahmin you have to be dancing queen,” said a cheerful young boy adjusting the sacred
thread draped over his shoulder and around his waist.
Telecom operators faced an unprecedented congestion of their networks as millions of pansies across the country called or texted a friend to bask in the wonderful news being blasted across all the news channels and the Internet too.
Under cover of anonymity, a burly policeman told this reporter “finally, all the stuff we do to our suspects in the debriefing room of the station has been legalized. To hell with the human rights watchdogs!” While the controversial Article 377 of the Indian Penal Code wasn’t struck down, it was however read down. This means the act of non-consensual sex would still remain a crime, thus protecting rape victims and ensuring criminal acts of sodomy are still punishable. To which the muscle-bound law enforcer assured us, “Don’t worry… We’ve got a grip on that!”
Meanwhile, in typical queer fashion, faggots around the nation have found a way to demean the most important occurrence in their, thus far, sad, measly and meaningless lives by deciding to throw massive parties in celebration of the ground-breaking judgment.
“Party on,” exclaimed a smiling Moily, India’s Minister for Law & Justice, and an unabashed supporter of gay-rights. “Party on!”
Full text of the High Court judgment
India, 127th country to legalize gay sex
Bandra-Worli: A Better Spin Than Bollywood
Posted by: sizzler69 on: July 1, 2009
Gigantic traffic snarls plagued the newly opened Bandra-Worli link bridge. At a whopping Rs1600 crore, this traffic jam is touted as the most expensive in the world. Officials from the Limca Book of World Records visited the site earlier today.
“We came, we saw”, said Rekhard Brehker, the LBWR’s spokesperson. “We noted.”
Using up 3200 crore man-hours and enough steel to go all the way around the circumference of the earth, the bridge still hasn’t solved the one single thing it was supposed to: Mumbai’s nightmare traffic congestion.
Getting past agriculture minister Sharad Pawar’s minions in order to ask him about the chaotic state of road traffic just hours after he and his boss, UPA chairperson Sonia Gandhi opened the bridge to the public was a task more arduous than listening to Chidambaram speak. “What traffic jam?” he asked reporters. “We only travel by helicopter or aircraft – sorry.” This opportune position however did not stop him from trying to giving himself a brown-noser and the opposition a donkey-punch by vociferously suggesting that the new bridge be named after Rajiv Gandhi*, his boss’s long buried husband.
Weary members of the public caught up in the horrendous pile-up of vehicles at both ends of the spanking new causeway had a lot on their mind. “Who the [4-letter expletive] is responsible here?”, screamed one lady at a smiling attendant.
“Truly Indian“, sighed one elderly gentleman. An eminent proctologist from South Mumbai with clenched fists told reporters, “I’m looking for a slimey 
smiling neta so I can get to the bottom of this!”
Regardless of the public’s hardship and their pointed opinions, various news channels and papers have lauded the new bridge as the dawn of India’s engineering glory.
*Statistically, there are probably more sites, landmarks, roads, colonies, monuments, streets, lanes, lakes, dams, hospitals, colleges, universities, aircraft, airports, trains, ships, platoons, helicopters, institutions, charities, foundations, harbors, ports, trusts, industries, foundries, mills, memorials, statues, buildings, stations, bus terminals, highways, forests reserves, amusement parks, welfare schemes, cyber parks, tech-parks, gardens, old age homes, orphanages and ambulance services named after that Rajiv Gandhi than pretty much anything or anyone else in the country!
Chennai Gay Pride 2009 March Halted By ‘Hump Ahead’ Road-Sign
Posted by: sizzler69 on: June 29, 2009
- In: Current Events| Global| India| Satirical| Sex| Sexuality
- 2 Comments
Hundreds of LGBT supporters gathered at the Triumph of Labour statue at the Marina Beach yesterday as a part of the Gay Pride March organized in the city of Chennai.
Thanks to the support from the current Government, a large presence of police personnel helped enliven the situation, with more numbers being exchanged than even glances.
Surprisingly, kothis, hijras and eunuchs were in much fewer numbers, and the event was
dominated by mask-wearing everyday regular people. “Thank God!” was what the organizers had to say when we asked them about the low turnout of the transgendered. However, there was no down-playing the flamboyant glamor of the event, with every closet queen turning up in their best and brightest, rainbow boas, scarves, frills and more.
Noted mask-designer, Paul, had specially designed face wear for himself and his friends. The masks featured beautifully hand-carved and hand painted motifs, and were bordered by bright pink feathers. When asked where he came up with the idea for the design, he said “I happened on an old and disused pink feather duster at the bottom of my mother’s cleaning cabinet.” Needless to say, the realization (that it wasn’t just the idea that came from that duster, but the materials too) swept everyone away.
The parade saw many of man’s four-legged friends joining the voices of support. Dressed in frills and bright beads, this dog was the center of attention, with the media hounding her through the afternoon. When asked what she thought of the draconian Article 377, she said “Woof! Woof!” When we asked her what she thought of her owner who brought her out on a hot summer afternoon with nary any water or shelter in sight, she said “Woof! Woof!”
A snide remark from one the participants left everyone rolling in laughter: “The bitches are always the center of attraction!”
Interestingly, there were scores of media persons crawling through the crowd, trailing wires, wares, microphones and notepads. Cameramen were seen focusing on areas of special interest, and many found it hard to control their ‘pointed’ interest in the participants. The skilled interviewers asked hard-hitting questions, much like their counterparts on TV. “Are you gay?”, asked one short bespectacled journalist of a frolicking skirted man.
A huge brawl over the free supply of sponsored Red Bull saw queens clawing and sashes shearing, and dreams destroyed, but the organizers down-played the incident. “See how active we are? See how we’re willing to fight for what we believe is ours?”
Tired but excited parade-goers had a lot to say once they arrived at the end of the march, the statue of Mahatma Gandhi, the father of India.
Media-mogul Reuben poses with a happy fan
“I hope Article three-sixty-nine is enforced,” said one exhausted queen who’d appeared to have been in the sun for far too long. “Because I can’t wait to try the legal version!”
“Three-seventy-seven must go,” squealed a feline male rubbing a dark bruise on his hand, “as must the bitch who stole my Red Bull!”
Pictures of the Chennai LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer) Pride March and Parade 1
Pictures of the Chennai LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer) Pride March and Parade 2
Pictures of the Chennai LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer) Pride March and Parade 3
Pictures of the Chennai LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer) Pride March and Parade 4
Pictures of the Chennai LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer) Pride March and Parade 5
Pictures of the Chennai LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer) Pride March and Parade 6
Queer Convergence
Posted by: sizzler69 on: June 28, 2009
- In: Current Events| India| Politics| Satirical| Sex| Sexuality
- 2 Comments
Railway stations, out-station bus depots and various airports at the country’s Metros have been witness to the most colourful disembarkations over the last two days.
The Gay Pride marches being organized across India’s leading cities has seen queens converging in droves like flies are drawn to, well, shit.
People who prefer sex with members of the same sex promise to add colour to our dreary days not just by marching down the streets of Mumbai, Delhi, Bhubaneshwar, Hyderabad, Calcutta, Bangalore and now, even Chennai, but by also getting the controversial Article 377 of the archaic Indian Constitution repealed.
“Who I [4-letter expletive] is my [4-letter expletive]ing business,” shrieks a saree draped Surendar, sashaying past the media. And that pretty much sums up what the supposedly liberal hearted faggots are looking for.
On the other hand, however, we have the Home Ministry who are filled with brilliant old men who always know what’s best for India. And they appear quite subdued about the whole LGBT activism. “I will not succumb to temptation,” shouted a minister, leaving reporters confused.
The third player in the game of strange bedfellows is the High Court, who promises to be a little forward-thinking. However, as the Indian public are well aware, thinking and actually doing are two very different things in our part of the sub-continent.
Not withstanding, queers all over the country are using this as an opportunity to party, over-dress, bitch, fight, wear make-up, borrow their mum’s underwear and shoes, pull on panty-hose, and generally make a spectacle of themselves.
Policemen all over the country have been similarly prepping themselves up for the grand day, some with extra groin cups and others with sunscreen. “As if they aren’t already a bunch of confused non-men trying to palm off their perversion as a form of artistic expression,” says an angry policeman scheduled for duty at the Chennai Pride March.
“It’s bad enough that there’s a one in eight chance the offspring from my own rather well-endowed loins could turn out to be faggot,” bemoans another beefy policeman. “Now I have to put up with him making a mockery of my manhood.”
Another group of handsome young policemen sweltering under Chennai’s intense humidity asks, “Why the hell are we being asked to protect these kothis? We’re the ones who need to be protected from them!” True to form, many fags gathered at the march have used every opportunity to brush up or feel up the cops on duty and were seen trying to exchange phone numbers with the reluctant young men in uniform.
The homos however have a different take on this. “I got six numbers today,” exclaims a lipstick wearing young thing of indeterminate sex. “What do you mean ‘reluctant young men in uniform’? I found them very willing”, it said with a wink.
When this reporter clarified that the question pertained not to the willingness of the cops but to the overall issue at hand, the youth with the slathered on lipstick retorted, “Who cares? I’ve got one muscled policeman lined up for every night through the coming week. Who will you be sleeping with?”, and sashayed away with a laugh and a wild swing of the hips.
Shiv Sena : Homosexuals Are Queer!
Posted by: sizzler69 on: June 26, 2009
With the Indian state of Tamil Nadu taking the lead on enabling Transgendered and Transvestites, others are running to cash in on what is increasingly being seen as a populist move.
Predictably, the Shiv Sena took to the streets when news of the Maharashtra Government’s move to add a similar option to new ration cards being issued in the state claiming that the only faggots in the state were “foreign, Pakistani, policemen, Muslims, Christians and Bihari.”
“There is no place for homosexuals in our culture,” said an agitated Thackery. It was promptly pointed out that homosexuality is a part of Hinduism, and makes up a huge part of our history. “You are all mixed up. Even I have often confused semi-naked 
Indian mud-wrestlers at the Akharas I own with intense with sexual desire and longing,” he said panting hard. “The passion generated by watching two massive, muscular and manly men writhe together on our the sand of our motherland, skin on skin, and sweat mingling as one , is hard to resist. I must remind you that no Indian in our history has ever had sex with women, let alone with another man.”
He further went on to proclaim, “Sex is wrong! I have never touched my wife even once. My children are the offspring of God himself – God bless them all.”
The awkward silence was soon broken when the suddenly subdued Sena thugs began asking reporters to leave.
Later, discussions among visitors to the shocking Thackery news claimed to
Bheem Bhai 'meeting the press'
have noticed the Sena supremo’s personal bodyguard, Bheem Bhai Kamalnath, share guilty glances with Thackery’s wife. No further developments have been reported.
Gays Not Happy
Posted by: sizzler69 on: June 25, 2009
The Tamil Nadu Government’s proactive step in issuing ration cards with the option to choose between ‘M‘ for Male, ‘F‘ for Female and ‘T‘ for Transgendered has recently been at the center of much controversy.
SWING, an NGO supporting children’s playgrounds, has highlighted the plight of bi-sexual men in India by asking for a ‘B’ on the ration cards. “This issue has just been going back-back-forth-forth”, said Goe Bodhways.
In the meanwhile, a particularly vociferous group has been lobbying to add an ‘MM’ to the much disputed list. Jim Bheef, representing the group Sit -Ups, says that Muscle Marys within the community have been ostracized due to the fact that they have far more brawn and body odour than brains and poise. “This is our lifestyle choice”, he retorts. “If I choose to take up steroids and shrivel up my gonads in the false hope that being extra beefy and straight-acting will make people respect and look up to me, then it’s my own choice. 
But I want the Government of Tamil Nadu to recognize this and grant us Muscle Marys special status.” While it is unclear what Sit-Ups is hoping to gain from the representation, rumor has it that they expect whey foods and protein supplements to be part of the government hand-out at ration stores across the country.
“I prefer my protein straight from my man”, says Senthil ‘Sway’ Saro of Rated-A, a group fighting to have the Government recognize the enormous number of Indian men who prefer having sex with in the dark rear seats across thousands of adult cinema halls in the country.
While the current DMK Government has remained resolutely silent on the issue, the opposition parties have readily jumped into the fray.
Movie super-star “Captain” Vijaykant, of the newly formed DMDK, seemed rather unfazed. Winking at reporters he said, “Many of them have come to my private farm house in Trichy to petition their cause.” When asked how he handled the issue, Vijaykant reportedly said, “one by one, every night.”
However, when reporters converged on AIADMK supremo’s famed Poes Gardens residence, Jayalalitha appeared to be unaware of the brewing storm. “I have no sexual relations with Sasikala, and never will. I always entertain my closet… er… closest friends in my bedroom, and the media is always turning this around.”
A proposal to include the letter ‘P‘ to the contentious list has however, been turned down. When contacted, petitioner R K Laxman said, “It’s only right that we identify Politicians as a seperate sexual gender. Afterall, they’ve been [4-letter expletive]ing every living thing in this country!”
“Poised For Explosive Growth”, says Airtel
Posted by: sizzler69 on: June 23, 2009
Reports surrounding the suspected parcel-bomb addressed to Bharti Airtel’s headquarters located in Gurgaon’s landmark Cyber Park building were confirmed to be true.
Speaking to reporters outside the India Post Office where the bomb was detected, DIG Inthapae Hoftharich told media-persons that the aura of hatred surrounding the “angrily packed parcel” alerted “alert post office workers that something was terribly amiss” who in turn informed the local police station.
Arriving in just five hours from four streets away, the bomb squad’s sniffer dogs were thrown off the scent “due to the deathly stench of unabashed greed that came off the ‘To’ address label” which incidentally happened to be Bharti Airtel Ltd., Tower A, 4′th Floor, Unitech Ward , Cyber Park, Sector- 39, Gurgaon, Harayana 122001.
The crude home-made incendiary device was apparently wrapped in “thick rolls of stinking garbage that wouldn’t even be worth recycling”. Gurgaon 
Police later confirmed that this was erroneous and clarified that the piles of paper mistaken for rubbish were actually copies of Bharti Airtel’s increment letters issued to all their employees earlier this month. “Anyone would have made this mistake under the circumstance”, said the heavily perspiring DIG Police.
Hundreds of media-persons and thousands of members of the public were seen nodding their heads in agreement.
Airtel yesterday announced the relaunch of the revamped and refreshed Jokes SMS service amid much applause for their unique marketing stunt. However, various veterinary specialists have suggested that the timing of the gag may have possibly been inappropriate. Spokesperson for PETA, Mrs Humpda Dogg, also joined the concerned voices saying “people are not animals!” This reporter is still unsure of the context of her remark, but is convinced of the relevance.
Let’s Dock…
Let’s Dock!
- Shiv Sena : Homosexuals Are Queer!
- India's Union Budget Presentation 2009-2010 Interrupted Due To Country-Wide 'Aam Aadmi' Pandemic
- Chennai Gay Pride 2009 March Halted By 'Hump Ahead' Road-Sign
- Queer Convergence
- Frisky Security Staff Cause Global Fuck-Up, courtesy Continental Airlines
- The Author
- "I Watch STAR World, Get Me Out Of Here", Scream Millions of Frustrated Indians
- About The Foreskin Press
- Bandra-Worli: A Better Spin Than Bollywood
- Gays Not Happy
- venkat: Have gone through your blog. Of course, I know you even before. Through earlier blog. Any ways nice to see you again. All the best. Bye.
- sizzler69: we met very very briefly at your nephew's christening. i happen to be Reuben Robert, Ajith George's boss. he had proudly announced to us your attem
- Anu George: Wow..
Foreskin Press | The Author
Let’s Dock!
