Archive for June 2009
The Gay Pride marches being organized across India’s leading cities has seen queens converging in droves like flies are drawn to, well, shit.
People who prefer sex with members of the same sex promise to add colour to our dreary days not just by marching down the streets of Mumbai, Delhi, Bhubaneshwar, Hyderabad, Calcutta, Bangalore and now, even Chennai, but by also getting the controversial Article 377 of the archaic Indian Constitution repealed.
“Who I [4-letter expletive] is my [4-letter expletive]ing business,” shrieks a saree draped Surendar, sashaying past the media. And that pretty much sums up what the supposedly liberal hearted faggots are looking for.
On the other hand, however, we have the Home Ministry who are filled with brilliant old men who always know what’s best for India. And they appear quite subdued about the whole LGBT activism. “I will not succumb to temptation,” shouted a minister, leaving reporters confused.
The third player in the game of strange bedfellows is the High Court, who promises to be a little forward-thinking. However, as the Indian public are well aware, thinking and actually doing are two very different things in our part of the sub-continent.
Not withstanding, queers all over the country are using this as an opportunity to party, over-dress, bitch, fight, wear make-up, borrow their mum’s underwear and shoes, pull on panty-hose, and generally make a spectacle of themselves.
Policemen all over the country have been similarly prepping themselves up for the grand day, some with extra groin cups and others with sunscreen. “As if they aren’t already a bunch of confused non-men trying to palm off their perversion as a form of artistic expression,” says an angry policeman scheduled for duty at the Chennai Pride March.
“It’s bad enough that there’s a one in eight chance the offspring from my own rather well-endowed loins could turn out to be faggot,” bemoans another beefy policeman. “Now I have to put up with him making a mockery of my manhood.”
Another group of handsome young policemen sweltering under Chennai’s intense humidity asks, “Why the hell are we being asked to protect these kothis? We’re the ones who need to be protected from them!” True to form, many fags gathered at the march have used every opportunity to brush up or feel up the cops on duty and were seen trying to exchange phone numbers with the reluctant young men in uniform.
The homos however have a different take on this. “I got six numbers today,” exclaims a lipstick wearing young thing of indeterminate sex. “What do you mean ‘reluctant young men in uniform’? I found them very willing”, it said with a wink.
When this reporter clarified that the question pertained not to the willingness of the cops but to the overall issue at hand, the youth with the slathered on lipstick retorted, “Who cares? I’ve got one muscled policeman lined up for every night through the coming week. Who will you be sleeping with?”, and sashayed away with a laugh and a wild swing of the hips.
With the Indian state of Tamil Nadu taking the lead on enabling Transgendered and Transvestites, others are running to cash in on what is increasingly being seen as a populist move.
Predictably, the Shiv Sena took to the streets when news of the Maharashtra Government’s move to add a similar option to new ration cards being issued in the state claiming that the only faggots in the state were “foreign, Pakistani, policemen, Muslims, Christians and Bihari.”
“There is no place for homosexuals in our culture,” said an agitated Thackery. It was promptly pointed out that homosexuality is a part of Hinduism, and makes up a huge part of our history. “You are all mixed up. Even I have often confused semi-naked Indian mud-wrestlers at the Akharas I own with intense with sexual desire and longing,” he said panting hard. “The passion generated by watching two massive, muscular and manly men writhe together on our the sand of our motherland, skin on skin, and sweat mingling as one , is hard to resist. I must remind you that no Indian in our history has ever had sex with women, let alone with another man.”
The awkward silence was soon broken when the suddenly subdued Sena thugs began asking reporters to leave.
Later, discussions among visitors to the shocking Thackery news claimed to
have noticed the Sena supremo’s personal bodyguard, Bheem Bhai Kamalnath, share guilty glances with Thackery’s wife. No further developments have been reported.
The Tamil Nadu Government’s proactive step in issuing ration cards with the option to choose between ‘M‘ for Male, ‘F‘ for Female and ‘T‘ for Transgendered has recently been at the center of much controversy.
SWING, an NGO supporting children’s playgrounds, has highlighted the plight of bi-sexual men in India by asking for a ‘B’ on the ration cards. “This issue has just been going back-back-forth-forth”, said Goe Bodhways.
In the meanwhile, a particularly vociferous group has been lobbying to add an ‘MM’ to the much disputed list. Jim Bheef, representing the group Sit -Ups, says that Muscle Marys within the community have been ostracized due to the fact that they have far more brawn and body odour than brains and poise. “This is our lifestyle choice”, he retorts. “If I choose to take up steroids and shrivel up my gonads in the false hope that being extra beefy and straight-acting will make people respect and look up to me, then it’s my own choice. But I want the Government of Tamil Nadu to recognize this and grant us Muscle Marys special status.” While it is unclear what Sit-Ups is hoping to gain from the representation, rumor has it that they expect whey foods and protein supplements to be part of the government hand-out at ration stores across the country.
“I prefer my protein straight from my man”, says Senthil ‘Sway’ Saro of Rated-A, a group fighting to have the Government recognize the enormous number of Indian men who prefer having sex with in the dark rear seats across thousands of adult cinema halls in the country.
While the current DMK Government has remained resolutely silent on the issue, the opposition parties have readily jumped into the fray.
Movie super-star “Captain” Vijaykant, of the newly formed DMDK, seemed rather unfazed. Winking at reporters he said, “Many of them have come to my private farm house in Trichy to petition their cause.” When asked how he handled the issue, Vijaykant reportedly said, “one by one, every night.”
However, when reporters converged on AIADMK supremo’s famed Poes Gardens residence, Jayalalitha appeared to be unaware of the brewing storm. “I have no sexual relations with Sasikala, and never will. I always entertain my closet… er… closest friends in my bedroom, and the media is always turning this around.”
A proposal to include the letter ‘P‘ to the contentious list has however, been turned down. When contacted, petitioner R K Laxman said, “It’s only right that we identify Politicians as a seperate sexual gender. Afterall, they’ve been [4-letter expletive]ing every living thing in this country!”
Reports surrounding the suspected parcel-bomb addressed to Bharti Airtel’s headquarters located in Gurgaon’s landmark Cyber Park building were confirmed to be true.
Speaking to reporters outside the India Post Office where the bomb was detected, DIG Inthapae Hoftharich told media-persons that the aura of hatred surrounding the “angrily packed parcel” alerted “alert post office workers that something was terribly amiss” who in turn informed the local police station.
Arriving in just five hours from four streets away, the bomb squad’s sniffer dogs were thrown off the scent “due to the deathly stench of unabashed greed that came off the ‘To’ address label” which incidentally happened to be Bharti Airtel Ltd., Tower A, 4’th Floor, Unitech Ward , Cyber Park, Sector- 39, Gurgaon, Harayana 122001.
The crude home-made incendiary device was apparently wrapped in “thick rolls of stinking garbage that wouldn’t even be worth recycling”. Gurgaon Police later confirmed that this was erroneous and clarified that the piles of paper mistaken for rubbish were actually copies of Bharti Airtel’s increment letters issued to all their employees earlier this month. “Anyone would have made this mistake under the circumstance”, said the heavily perspiring DIG Police.
Hundreds of media-persons and thousands of members of the public were seen nodding their heads in agreement.
Airtel yesterday announced the relaunch of the revamped and refreshed Jokes SMS service amid much applause for their unique marketing stunt. However, various veterinary specialists have suggested that the timing of the gag may have possibly been inappropriate. Spokesperson for PETA, Mrs Humpda Dogg, also joined the concerned voices saying “people are not animals!” This reporter is still unsure of the context of her remark, but is convinced of the relevance.
Despite being one of the global few to post a whopping 31% turnover and show profits running in to thousands of crores of Indian Rupees, the senior management came under severe criticism for failing to pass on suitable benefits to their manpower across Bharti’s domain of operations.
Under fire from shareholders and other stake-holders, telecom giant Bharti Airtel today announced an 18% increment for all employees with a tenure greater than 2 years along with 3 months’ basic as bonus payable in lieu of mid-year performance appraisals.
Mr Ayearn Soemuch, head of Bharti’s global recruiting arm, made the following statement at the group’s monthly celebration held at the world renown 7-star Burj Al-Arab in Dubai, now almost second-home to Airtel’s so-called ‘conservative’ senior management: “We truly care for the people who have helped build us from the ground up. Our vision is to be the most loved and sought after employer by 2010.”
Choking on a $42.70 croissant, Mr Sunil Bharti Mittal, chairman of the Bharti Airtel empire, reportedly shrieked “that’s a good one!” and the entire senior management burst into hysterics right in the middle of their hearty breakfast.
Mr Bigg Shou, the group’s Head of Alternate Revenues then stepped up to inform amused reporters that the gag was part of an innovative attempt to highlight the new and improved relaunch of the Jokes push-based service offered by the carrier to their beloved customers.
“To experience more such Laugh-Out-Loud moments” he said, “use your Airtel mobile phone to type JOKES, send it via SMS to 121, and you can add a smile to your bleak and dreary lives.”
The event appeared to have galvanized the entire audience and everyone, from reporters to hotel employees, were seen immediately trying out the new revamped service. Even hotel cleaning staff were seen joking about the thousands of dollars worth of food that spewed out of the mouths of the senior management as they exploded into unbridled laughter on-stage.
In unrelated news, naukri.com, shine.com, monster.com and clickjobs.com reported a 400% increase in the number of job-seeker postings and CV uploads under “Networking”, “Sales & Marketing”, “Customer Service” and “Telecommunications”. The sudden manifold increase has been attributed to the positive energy available among telecom-employees, and the “good vibes” from the job market.
An enraged Reuben lashed out at the media for willfully vilifying his attempts at serious and uncensored ‘unjournalism’.
During the course of his lengthy discourse on the various implied and hurtful reporting practices, he openly targeted The Daily Tamasha and The Velvet Blog for alleged plagiarism and veiled threats that were “coded into the language used on their ‘imitation’ blogs”.
A weary listener pointed out that those blogs had begun way before his own personal foray in the digital space, an enraged Reuben responded “I still haven’t had my chilled orange juice, you maladroit mongrel!” The individual was later identified as Reuben’s personal manservant, Thuyavan,
who also multi-tasks as his launderer, driver, part-time cook, bodyguard, strong-arm and all round right-hand man.
When Thuyavan was asked for his own personal view on the situation at hand, he reportedly said “Sir is absolutely right. Scraping off the [tamil expletive] from the roof of the [tamil expletive] car took all my [general expletive] time, and indeed, I had failed to provide him with his everyday glass of chilled orange juice.”
In related news, Jim Donahue of the famed Velvet Blog said “Who the [expletive] is that?” when asked about Reuben Robert. Interestingly, mild-mannered Varun Grover, author of The Daily Tamasha said something very similar when asked the same question.
In completely unrelated news, Pagal Patrakar said “Huh?”