The Foreskin Press

Archive for July 2009

Foreskin Press continental airlines jetplane aircraft flightOver-enthusiastic security personnel working for the recession-hit Continental Airlines created pandemonium in India after the media here released reports of India’s most-dearly-endearingly-totally-wonderfully-‘belovedly’-loved ex-President A P J Abdul Kalam was apparently frisked before being allowed to board their aircraft.

Foreskin Press Abdul Kalam ex-president APJ Abdul KalamWhen the airline’s security head for Indian operations was contacted, he reportedly said, “It is the policy of Continental Airlines to frisk every muslim man, woman and child.  It is the policy of the United States of America, in unwritten law, to be prejudiced and biased towards people of a particular faith, race, caste or creed.  Aren’t you morons aware that your disgusting skin-colour only compounds the problem?  You filthy Indians make me want to puke.”

Foreskin Press continental airlines hostess staff employeeVisibly disturbed reporters then contacted the operations head for Continental Airlines’ India Division.  “Everyone loves being frisked,” said the agitated highly paid employee.  “We particularly employ these bountiful babes who touch you in the right spots, make sure your family jewels really are your family jewels and to shake their booty at the slightest alarming indication.  Fly us, and decide for yourselves.”

Foreskin Press Indian Parliament security forces police copsIn the meanwhile, the normally hard-working, law-abiding, sincere and patriotic Indian Parliament was in an uproar over the incident.  “We cannot accept this,” exclaimed a paan-chewing idiot politician named Laloo Prasad Yadav “I may be Prime Minister tomorrow, and I will not take my shoes off!”

To which a smug Nitish Kumar was overheard smirking, “Thank goodness!  As if his bad-breath wasn’t enough to kill everyone on the airliner!”

Foreskin Press continental airlines inflight menu customer service handcuff kitContinental Airlines has reiterated their commitment to customer service, adding that secure travel is the expectation of every passenger, employee and nation.  “Once, our in-flight food was so bad, it even killed one of our pilots in mid-air during the course of a journey, but we still ensured every customer left with a smile!” The Airline staff also ensure every customer has a warm boarding, pleasant journey and secure arrival.

“We haven’t had even one single complaint,” says the airline’s public relation officer, Aparna.  “Ever!”

Foreskin Press Continental Airlines logo 020708While many sections of the media and the blogging community lambasted the ex-President for choosing to fly on an American-based airline company, the humble and unassuming Avul Pakir Jainulabdeen Abdul Kalam silenced his worst critics by saying, “I’d rather be humiliated by a disaster-plagued foreign service provider than poorly serviced by an aging Indian carrier!”

In unrelated news, national carrier Air India is facing a serious crunch for money and is in the process of taking strong measures to turn-around it’s flagging performance.

Continental Airlines website

News related to the frisking incident 1

News related to the frisking incident 2

News related to the frisking incident 3

News related to the frisking incident 4

News related to the frisking incident 5

Pictures of various Continental crashes (more fuck-ups?)

Independent reviews of Continental Airlines 1

Independent reviews of Continental Airlines 2

Independent reviews of Continental Airlines 3

Independent reviews of Continental Airlines 4

APJ Abdul Kalam 1

APJ Abdul Kalam 2

APJ Abdul Kalam 3

The People’s President

Foreskin Press indian rupee five hundred 500 rupees image pictureMillions of Indians all over the country heaved a collective sigh of relief as they woke up to news of the latest budget that would invariably fail to affect any of their shallow meaningless lives.

“Thank God these bastards haven’t tried making my life better,” said one relieved, yet unaware MNC employee.

Foreskin Press india-budget-2009-2-16-5-3-25Year after year, Indians undergo a collective punishment in the form of a seance session by having to watch geriatric fools tell them they know how to balance a trillion-dollar national budget mostly based on debt, besides themselves having to live off Government dole. The problem is compounded by the moronic national media in India who have always suffered from low self-esteem and the pressure of having to show themselves as being ‘responsible’, ‘mature’, unbiased’ and ‘in-touch’, while the entire national reels under the most weary hours of their sodden lives.

Hospitals across the country saw crowded waiting rooms and a rush of patients who mostly consisted of vacant-eyed drooling businessmen, stock brokers, budget analysts, retired pensioners, government servants, news anchors and other people above the age of thirty-five who claim to understand the budget sessions as they are broadcast live.

Foreskin Press pencil in ear“We have also been inundated with numerous cases of people trying to gouge their eyes out, burn injuries from trying break their television sets, ear-drum ruptures from inserting sharp foreign objects repeatedly into their ear canals and even attempted suicides,” said one exhausted doctor standing in the crowded AIIMS lobby. “It’s a good thing we were prepared for this eventuality when we heard the budget session was being broadcast today.”

Foreskin Press watching_tvSchools and college authorities were relieved to learn of far fewer injuries among their wards. “It’s truly providential that no Indian youth worth his salt would ever be caught alive watching a program or channel covering turning-point events related to their own motherland and nation.” However, the worst is yet to pass.

Foreskin Press aam aadmi picture logo image template common man in IndiaHasty measures by the Government of India to contain this pandemic includes a directive to the media and political parties to stop using the vomit-inducing phrase “Aam Aadmi”, while containment experts point to this as being the leading cause of acute nausea, itching, respiratory issues and other suicidal tendencies among the younger generation that missed the original broadcast.

Said one shaken resident of Delhi’s posh Vasant Vihar, “I saved my parents from turning into vegetables by insisting that they watch a rerun of Mumbai’s grand new bridge inauguration. God gave me the wisdom to differentiate between television programs that are useful and those that are dangerous.”

Foreskin Press pranab mukherjee moron boring finance minister indiaStories of narrow-misses, near death experiences and incredible rescues abound. The nation’s collective brush with destruction at the hand of Pranab Mukherjee’s droning intonation and monotonous voice has angered lakhs of people who want to know why they are put through this harrowing experience year after year.

Meanwhile, morons from the opposition party, apparently titled the BJP, claimed that they could have done better and made an even lesser impact. Foreskin Press Advani L KWhen reporters asked what were the top three changes the fading and aging BJP would’ve made in this year’s budget session, a geriatric person named L K Advani said “Firstly in the order of presenation, secondly in the accent and intonation, and most importantly, in the saffron hue the budget rightly deserves.” When media-persons suggested that he may have confused the budget presentation with a bovine market sale normally held on the borders near Bangladesh, the angry party leader retortedJai Hind!

Photos of the Union Budget Presentation 2009

Webcast of the Union Budget 2009-2010

Finance Ministry’s Budget Website

Main Highlights of The Union Budget 2009

Understanding The Union Budget 2009 1

Understanding The Union Budget 2009 2

Understanding The Union Budget 2009 3

Understanding The Union Budget 2009 4

Understanding The Union Budget 2009 5

Foreskin Press India Legalizes Homosexuality Celebration Flag Pride Symbol of LGBTIn a landmark judgment, the Delhi High Court today legalized homosexuality.

“This day will go down in history,” said a spokesperson for the Naz Foundation, the people who actually brought the petition before the courts and have been fighting the case for 8 long years.

“This day I will be going down during history!” says a shy yet excited student supporter of the LGBTQ movement, referring to his college class.

Foreskin Press India Legalizes Homosexuality Police2Expecting to be touched by the hand of God, globally millions have instead been touched by their parish leaders, maulanas, temple priest, religious leaders and other god-men. With atleast one in three gay men acknowledging that they first indulged in homosexuality while either participating in a choir, sleeping in religious schools, dancing at temple functions and other related religious programs or events, the LGBTQ community have been startled to see their very initiators lead the protests against their own personal Frankenstein.

Foreskin Press India Legalizes Homosexuality Celebration No More Hiding No More Masks“Now I can tell the whole world of the special relationship  I share with our community maulana,” exclaimed one particularly naive student of local madrassa.

“I’m sure my parents will be very happy that the man in my life is our church pastor,” said another Sunday School volunteer. “Everybody loves him!”

Hindus we contacted were particularly blase about the whole thing. This was attributed to the fact that despite acting straight, almost all of them were rampant closet faggots. “Everyone knows that to be a Brahmin you have to be dancing queen,” said a cheerful young boy adjusting the sacredLargest Telephone Instrument thread draped over his shoulder and around his waist.

Telecom operators faced an unprecedented congestion of their networks as millions of pansies across the country called or texted a friend to bask in the wonderful news being blasted across all the news channels and the Internet too.

Foreskin Press India Legalizes Homosexuality Police1Under cover of anonymity, a burly policeman told this reporter “finally, all the stuff we do to our suspects in the debriefing room of the station has been legalized. To hell with the human rights watchdogs!” While the controversial Article 377 of the Indian Penal Code wasn’t struck down, it was however read down. This means the act of non-consensual sex would still remain a crime, thus protecting rape victims and ensuring criminal acts of sodomy are still punishable. To which the muscle-bound law enforcer assured us, “Don’t worry… We’ve got a grip on that!”Foreskin Press India Legalizes Homosexuality Celebration 1

Meanwhile, in typical queer fashion, faggots around the nation have found a way to demean the most important occurrence in their, thus far, sad, measly and meaningless lives by deciding to throw massive parties in celebration of the ground-breaking judgment.

Foreskin Press India Legalizes Homosexuality Veerappa Moily

“Party on,” exclaimed a smiling Moily, India’s Minister for Law & Justice, and an unabashed supporter of gay-rights. “Party on!”

Full text of the High Court judgment

More news articles 1

More news articles 2

More news articles 3

More news articles 4

India, 127th country to legalize gay sex

Gays have a right to live

In a landmark judgment, the Delhi High Court today legalized homosexuality.

Foreskin Press bridge bandra worli satellite viewGigantic traffic snarls plagued the newly opened Bandra-Worli link bridge. At a whopping Rs1600 crore, this traffic jam is touted as the most expensive in the world. Officials from the Limca Book of World Records visited the site earlier today.

Foreskin Press bridge bandra sun rise mumbai bombay india beautoful ocean view“We came, we saw”, said Rekhard Brehker, the LBWR’s spokesperson. “We noted.”

Using up 3200 crore man-hours and enough steel to go all the way around the circumference of the earth, the bridge still hasn’t solved the one single thing it was supposed to: Mumbai’s nightmare traffic congestion.

foreskin press sharad pawar and sonia gandhiGetting past agriculture minister Sharad Pawar’s minions in order to ask him about the chaotic state of road traffic just hours after he and his boss, UPA chairperson Sonia Gandhi opened the bridge to the public was a task more arduous than listening to Chidambaram speak. “What traffic jam?” he asked reporters. “We only travel by helicopter or aircraft – sorry.” This opportune position however did not stop him from trying to giving himself a brown-noser and the opposition a donkey-punch by vociferously suggesting that the new bridge be named after Rajiv Gandhi*, his boss’s long buried husband.

Foreskin Press bridge bandra worli giant traffic jam snarlWeary members of the public caught up in the horrendous pile-up of vehicles at both ends of the spanking new causeway had a lot on their mind. “Who the [4-letter expletive] is responsible here?”, screamed one lady at a smiling attendant.

Truly Indian, sighed one elderly gentleman. An eminent proctologist from South Mumbai with clenched fists told reporters, “I’m looking for a slimey Foreskin Press bridge bandra sun rise mumbai bombay indiasmiling neta so I can get to the bottom of this!”

Regardless of the public’s hardship and their pointed opinions, various news channels and papers have lauded the new bridge as the dawn of India’s engineering glory.

Foreskin Press bombay addict blog bridge bandra sun rise mumbai bombay india

*Statistically, there are probably more sites, landmarks, roads, colonies, monuments, streets, lanes, lakes, dams, hospitals, colleges, universities, aircraft, airports, trains, ships, platoons, helicopters, institutions, charities, foundations, harbors, ports, trusts, industries, foundries, mills, memorials, statues, buildings, stations, bus terminals, highways, forests reserves, amusement parks, welfare schemes, cyber parks, tech-parks, gardens, old age homes, orphanages and ambulance services named after that Rajiv Gandhi than pretty much anything or anyone else in the country!


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