The Foreskin Press

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Foreskin Press continental airlines jetplane aircraft flightOver-enthusiastic security personnel working for the recession-hit Continental Airlines created pandemonium in India after the media here released reports of India’s most-dearly-endearingly-totally-wonderfully-‘belovedly’-loved ex-President A P J Abdul Kalam was apparently frisked before being allowed to board their aircraft.

Foreskin Press Abdul Kalam ex-president APJ Abdul KalamWhen the airline’s security head for Indian operations was contacted, he reportedly said, “It is the policy of Continental Airlines to frisk every muslim man, woman and child.  It is the policy of the United States of America, in unwritten law, to be prejudiced and biased towards people of a particular faith, race, caste or creed.  Aren’t you morons aware that your disgusting skin-colour only compounds the problem?  You filthy Indians make me want to puke.”

Foreskin Press continental airlines hostess staff employeeVisibly disturbed reporters then contacted the operations head for Continental Airlines’ India Division.  “Everyone loves being frisked,” said the agitated highly paid employee.  “We particularly employ these bountiful babes who touch you in the right spots, make sure your family jewels really are your family jewels and to shake their booty at the slightest alarming indication.  Fly us, and decide for yourselves.”

Foreskin Press Indian Parliament security forces police copsIn the meanwhile, the normally hard-working, law-abiding, sincere and patriotic Indian Parliament was in an uproar over the incident.  “We cannot accept this,” exclaimed a paan-chewing idiot politician named Laloo Prasad Yadav “I may be Prime Minister tomorrow, and I will not take my shoes off!”

To which a smug Nitish Kumar was overheard smirking, “Thank goodness!  As if his bad-breath wasn’t enough to kill everyone on the airliner!”

Foreskin Press continental airlines inflight menu customer service handcuff kitContinental Airlines has reiterated their commitment to customer service, adding that secure travel is the expectation of every passenger, employee and nation.  “Once, our in-flight food was so bad, it even killed one of our pilots in mid-air during the course of a journey, but we still ensured every customer left with a smile!” The Airline staff also ensure every customer has a warm boarding, pleasant journey and secure arrival.

“We haven’t had even one single complaint,” says the airline’s public relation officer, Aparna.  “Ever!”

Foreskin Press Continental Airlines logo 020708While many sections of the media and the blogging community lambasted the ex-President for choosing to fly on an American-based airline company, the humble and unassuming Avul Pakir Jainulabdeen Abdul Kalam silenced his worst critics by saying, “I’d rather be humiliated by a disaster-plagued foreign service provider than poorly serviced by an aging Indian carrier!”

In unrelated news, national carrier Air India is facing a serious crunch for money and is in the process of taking strong measures to turn-around it’s flagging performance.

Continental Airlines website

News related to the frisking incident 1

News related to the frisking incident 2

News related to the frisking incident 3

News related to the frisking incident 4

News related to the frisking incident 5

Pictures of various Continental crashes (more fuck-ups?)

Independent reviews of Continental Airlines 1

Independent reviews of Continental Airlines 2

Independent reviews of Continental Airlines 3

Independent reviews of Continental Airlines 4

APJ Abdul Kalam 1

APJ Abdul Kalam 2

APJ Abdul Kalam 3

The People’s President

Foreskin Press Airtel Logo icon image india telecomDespite being one of the global few to post a whopping 31% turnover and show profits running in to thousands of crores of Indian Rupees, the senior management came under severe criticism for failing to pass on suitable benefits to their manpower across Bharti’s domain of operations.

Cell Phone, Wallet, and Money in Dish rupee cash coinUnder fire from shareholders and other stake-holders, telecom giant Bharti Airtel today announced an 18% increment for all employees with a tenure greater than 2 years along with 3 months’ basic as bonus payable in lieu of mid-year performance appraisals.

The famed Burj Al-Arab by sunset

The famed Burj Al-Arab by sunset

Mr Ayearn Soemuch, head of Bharti’s global recruiting arm, made the following statement at the group’s monthly celebration held at the world renown 7-star Burj Al-Arab in Dubai, now almost second-home to Airtel’s so-called ‘conservative’ senior management: “We truly care for the people who have helped build us from the ground up. Our vision is to be the most loved and sought after employer by 2010.”

Choking on a $42.70 croissant, Mr Sunil Bharti Mittal, chairman of the Bharti Airtel empire, reportedly shrieked “that’s a good one!” and the entire senior management burst into hysterics right in the middle of their hearty breakfast.

LOL Laugh Out Loud foreskin press hysterical laughter people crowdMr Bigg Shou, the group’s Head of Alternate Revenues then stepped up to inform amused reporters that the gag was part of an innovative attempt to highlight the new and improved relaunch of the Jokes push-based service offered by the carrier to their beloved customers.

“To experience more such Laugh-Out-Loud moments” he said, “use your Airtel mobile phone to type JOKES, send it via SMS to 121, and you can add a smile to your bleak and dreary lives.”

foreskin-press-airtel-sweeping-broom-brush-clean-upThe event appeared to have galvanized the entire audience and everyone, from reporters to hotel employees, were seen immediately trying out the  new revamped service.  Even hotel cleaning staff were seen joking about the thousands of dollars worth of food that spewed out of the mouths of the senior management as they exploded into unbridled laughter on-stage.

In unrelated news, naukri.com, shine.com, monster.com and clickjobs.com reported a 400% increase in the number of job-seeker postings and CV uploads under “Networking”, “Sales & Marketing”, “Customer Service” and “Telecommunications”.  The sudden manifold increase has been attributed to the positive energy available among telecom-employees, and the “good vibes” from the job market.

An enraged Reuben lashed out at the media for willfully vilifying his attempts at serious and uncensored ‘unjournalism’.

Foreskin Press Old Style Typewriter Keys AlphabetDuring the course of his lengthy discourse on the various implied and hurtful reporting practices, he openly targeted The Daily Tamasha and The Velvet Blog for alleged plagiarism and veiled threats that were “coded into the language used on their ‘imitation’ blogs”.

A weary listener pointed out that those blogs had begun way before his own personal foray in the digital space, an enraged Reuben responded “I still haven’t had my chilled orange juice, you maladroit mongrel!” The individual was later identified as Reuben’s personal manservant, Thuyavan,

API.  File Photo of Reuben and Thuyavan

API. File Photo of Reuben and Thuyavan

who also multi-tasks as his launderer, driver, part-time cook, bodyguard, strong-arm and all round right-hand man.

When Thuyavan was asked for his own personal view on the situation at hand, he reportedly said “Sir is absolutely right.  Scraping off the [tamil expletive] from the roof of the [tamil expletive] car took all my [general expletive] time, and indeed, I had failed to provide him with his everyday glass of chilled orange juice.”

In related news, Jim Donahue of the famed Velvet Blog said “Who the [expletive] is that?” when asked about Reuben Robert.  Interestingly, mild-mannered Varun Grover, author of The Daily Tamasha said something very similar when asked the same question.

In completely unrelated news, Pagal Patrakar said “Huh?”

Confusion ran riot at the low-key launch of this irregular daily, presided over by a ubiquitous tubby and hirsute gentleman in office formals and designer facial hair.  Reuben Robert, new entrant on the journalism scene with his inexplicably titled The Foreskin Press, left visitors and reporters alike: parched, perspiring and perplexed.

Inauguration of Foreskin Press

Inauguration of Foreskin Press

The event hosted at his current employer’s pantry was tightly packed with “people dearest <to me>, renowned journalists, active bloggers, <my> family, friends and so many who love and care for <me>…”

All three of the five invitees who attended were squeezed into the venue between a defunct water-cooler and an angry refrigerator.  The venue’s poor ventilation, cramped seating and a notable lack of drinking water was further compounded by the extra-spicy samosas, a flatulent office-attendant, and some serious miscommunication.

When one visitor questioned the awkward and possibly objectionable choice for a news daily’s name, Reuben’s belligerent “everybody makes mistakes, okay?” left everyone befuddled.

Candid picture of camera-shy media mogul Reuben Robert

Candid picture of camera-shy media mogul Reuben Robert

Some questions pertaining to the news daily’s intended audience, and the various channels of reaching said readers were answered with a perplexedly philosophical “yes, yes, yes.”

Reuben’s unconventional speech involved baffling clichés including, but not limited to, “making hay while the tide’s out”, “jittery pussies jumping over full moonings”, “milking boys while the cows graze”, and the completely arcane “that’s hot!”

His closing promise to inject a much needed breath of fresh air into the stale smegma of current affairs was immediately followed by an explosive and protracted rrrrrip that left everyone in shocked silence.

“Sorry, sir” said the rotund office boy.


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