The Foreskin Press

Posts Tagged ‘driver

Earlier today, media-persons were sent into a tizzy when news of media-mogul Reuben Robert’s close shave on Saturday filled the rumour-mills across the country.

In keeping with his usual low-profile stance, reporters were seen camping outside his palatial Kottivakkam residence, his sprawling office, and his usual hang-outs all over the city of Chennai.

When reporters interviewed his driver-manservant, Thuyavan, a surprising number of important questions were answered.  Here’s an excerpt of the ground-breaking interview:

Reporter : Do you know where Reuben is?
Thuyavan : Who wants to know?
Reporter : The whole world!  What happened to Reuben? Is he safe?  What was this close-shave all about?
Thuyavan : Yes.

The driver immediately left to pick up Reuben at an undisclosed location.

Later in the day, excited media-persons were met by Ishwor Karki, Reuben’s in-house representative, who issued this statement, “Shri Reuben-ji would like everybody to be calm.  He will be auctioning his collection of pocket-combs, curlers and 2 hair-dryers via Ebay India.  A notification on the same will be issued shortly.  His hair-brush with death is not for sale at this moment.”

Relieved news-persons left the premises shortly.  Analysts are still speculating the effect this news would have on the stock markets come Monday morning.

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An enraged Reuben lashed out at the media for willfully vilifying his attempts at serious and uncensored ‘unjournalism’.

Foreskin Press Old Style Typewriter Keys AlphabetDuring the course of his lengthy discourse on the various implied and hurtful reporting practices, he openly targeted The Daily Tamasha and The Velvet Blog for alleged plagiarism and veiled threats that were “coded into the language used on their ‘imitation’ blogs”.

A weary listener pointed out that those blogs had begun way before his own personal foray in the digital space, an enraged Reuben responded “I still haven’t had my chilled orange juice, you maladroit mongrel!” The individual was later identified as Reuben’s personal manservant, Thuyavan,

API.  File Photo of Reuben and Thuyavan

API. File Photo of Reuben and Thuyavan

who also multi-tasks as his launderer, driver, part-time cook, bodyguard, strong-arm and all round right-hand man.

When Thuyavan was asked for his own personal view on the situation at hand, he reportedly said “Sir is absolutely right.  Scraping off the [tamil expletive] from the roof of the [tamil expletive] car took all my [general expletive] time, and indeed, I had failed to provide him with his everyday glass of chilled orange juice.”

In related news, Jim Donahue of the famed Velvet Blog said “Who the [expletive] is that?” when asked about Reuben Robert.  Interestingly, mild-mannered Varun Grover, author of The Daily Tamasha said something very similar when asked the same question.

In completely unrelated news, Pagal Patrakar said “Huh?”


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