The Foreskin Press

Posts Tagged ‘news

pohang iron and steel companyPohang Steel Company (POSCO) received conditional clearance from the Ministry of Environment and Forest for its proposed steel plant at Paradip in Jagatsinghpur district of Orissa.

Basis our ‘Indian ethos of inclusiveness and oneness with the land’ the ministry gave clearance for erecting the steel plant with 28 additional conditions and for the POSCO port with 32 additional conditions as part of environment clearance.

Minister for Environment “It is common knowledge that steel is a nurturing element for Mother Earth,” Environment Minister Jairam Ramesh intoned.  “Without steel, why would current car manufacturers around the world work towards non-polluting and alternate energy vehicles of tomorrow?  Without steel, how would the whalers and trawlers engage on sea-life restoration projects to ensure our oceans still teem with abundant life when our grandchildren eventually go fishing?”

POSCO GO BACKWhen asked why tens of thousands of villagers and environmentalists were still against the project, the Minister responded with a curt “because they are uneducated.  He went on to add that big projects such as the POSCO unit were actually very environmentally friendly“That’s why they’re called iron & steel plants, he said.

No Steel CarMeanwhile, environmentalists at the proposed site in Orissa have been fasting and fighting while feasting on Machha Curry, Bhendi Bhaja and steamed rice.  These hardy believers have dodged rubber bullets and borne the brunt of the angry security forces’ lathis to ensure leaders of the Posco Pratirodh Sangram Samiti arrive safely in their Toyota Fortuners and Mahindra Scorpios.  “Any damage to their expensive cars would require more steel to fix,” admitted a sheepish activist.

LathichargeWhen this reporter pointed out that his children would most likely die of malnutrition, famine or drought, the agitated response was “at least my children will have trees.”

Regardless of whether their war against the erection of the 12-million tonne steel plant is won, the ability of the protest leaders to create a  rebellion against the one single opportunity to alleviate poverty in the region has already secured themselves an assured berth on the next Government in Orissa.

The few statements issued by representatives for POSCO have never made it to print, primarily because they consist of meaningless Korean caws and mumbles.

A statement from the world’s Global Representative for Planet Earth and Near-Space, Hon’ Reuben Robert, left earnest news agencies baffled when he quipped “Since when did POSCO get into steel?  I find their balls tight, bouncy and a joy to play with.”

This statement was later clarified by his spokesperson as a “minor confusion” with the sports brand COSCO.

 

POSCO’s India Website

Latest News on POSCO

Anti-POSCO Movement

Anti-POSCO Online 1

Anti-POSCO Online 2

More on Orissa

Poverty in Orissa

Possible Environment Damage if POSCO Arrives

Madhuri Gupta

Maduri Gupta

Indian diplomat Madhuri Gupta, arrested on charges of spying for Pakistani intelligence agencies, didn’t have access to highly classified material but it was too early to divulge more details, Minister of State for External Affairs Preneet Kaur said on Thursday.

“I rise to inform this august house that as a result of our counter intelligence effort, we had reason to believe that an official in the high commission of India in Islamabad had been passing information to the Pakistan Intelligence agencies,” the minister said in a statement in the Lok Sabha.

“The position occupied by the official did not involve access to highly classified material.  The actual positions were the Doggy Style, the Cowgirl, the Reverse Cowgirl and Spooning… Oh yes, there was a lot of Spooning,” she added.

Minister Preneet Kaur

When asked how the Ministry knew that the information was indeed not highly-classified,  Minister Preneet Kaur said, “every Indian can witness for themselves that the information sold by Madhuri in return for an opportunity to rut like a bitch-in-heat with a huge and hairy Pakistani is indeed lowly-classified or mediumly-classified, as we will be publishing it on the fourth-page of all the leading Dailies.”

Members of her ministry have argued that the data should be made available on the Page-3 of the relevant newspapers, as it would be a true representation of her title as Minister of State for External Affairs. Sources close to the PMO have informed this reporter that the matter is being discussed.

Requests for one-on-one interviews with Madhuri Gupta by reporters for The Foreskin Press were repeatedly denied. Officials later confirmed that the prisoner said she preferred cut dick.  Analysts speculate that this confirms the “true nature of her sexual addiction to yet another well-hung  Pakistani.”

Upon hearing of this latest development, renowned author-writer and media mogul Reuben Robert was reportedly quoted as saying, “She would rather deal with an endowed, circumcised and hirsute Pakistani?  Well, I assure you I’m not Pakistani.”


More news on the espionage case 1

More news on the espionage case 2

More news on the espionage case 3

More news on the espionage case 4

More news on the espionage case 5

More about Minister Preneet Kaur

Information on Pakistan’s notorious ISI

Information on Pakistan’s Intelligence Bureau

Information on India’s Intelligence Bureau

Earlier today, media-persons were sent into a tizzy when news of media-mogul Reuben Robert’s close shave on Saturday filled the rumour-mills across the country.

In keeping with his usual low-profile stance, reporters were seen camping outside his palatial Kottivakkam residence, his sprawling office, and his usual hang-outs all over the city of Chennai.

When reporters interviewed his driver-manservant, Thuyavan, a surprising number of important questions were answered.  Here’s an excerpt of the ground-breaking interview:

Reporter : Do you know where Reuben is?
Thuyavan : Who wants to know?
Reporter : The whole world!  What happened to Reuben? Is he safe?  What was this close-shave all about?
Thuyavan : Yes.

The driver immediately left to pick up Reuben at an undisclosed location.

Later in the day, excited media-persons were met by Ishwor Karki, Reuben’s in-house representative, who issued this statement, “Shri Reuben-ji would like everybody to be calm.  He will be auctioning his collection of pocket-combs, curlers and 2 hair-dryers via Ebay India.  A notification on the same will be issued shortly.  His hair-brush with death is not for sale at this moment.”

Relieved news-persons left the premises shortly.  Analysts are still speculating the effect this news would have on the stock markets come Monday morning.

Foreskin Press continental airlines jetplane aircraft flightOver-enthusiastic security personnel working for the recession-hit Continental Airlines created pandemonium in India after the media here released reports of India’s most-dearly-endearingly-totally-wonderfully-‘belovedly’-loved ex-President A P J Abdul Kalam was apparently frisked before being allowed to board their aircraft.

Foreskin Press Abdul Kalam ex-president APJ Abdul KalamWhen the airline’s security head for Indian operations was contacted, he reportedly said, “It is the policy of Continental Airlines to frisk every muslim man, woman and child.  It is the policy of the United States of America, in unwritten law, to be prejudiced and biased towards people of a particular faith, race, caste or creed.  Aren’t you morons aware that your disgusting skin-colour only compounds the problem?  You filthy Indians make me want to puke.”

Foreskin Press continental airlines hostess staff employeeVisibly disturbed reporters then contacted the operations head for Continental Airlines’ India Division.  “Everyone loves being frisked,” said the agitated highly paid employee.  “We particularly employ these bountiful babes who touch you in the right spots, make sure your family jewels really are your family jewels and to shake their booty at the slightest alarming indication.  Fly us, and decide for yourselves.”

Foreskin Press Indian Parliament security forces police copsIn the meanwhile, the normally hard-working, law-abiding, sincere and patriotic Indian Parliament was in an uproar over the incident.  “We cannot accept this,” exclaimed a paan-chewing idiot politician named Laloo Prasad Yadav “I may be Prime Minister tomorrow, and I will not take my shoes off!”

To which a smug Nitish Kumar was overheard smirking, “Thank goodness!  As if his bad-breath wasn’t enough to kill everyone on the airliner!”

Foreskin Press continental airlines inflight menu customer service handcuff kitContinental Airlines has reiterated their commitment to customer service, adding that secure travel is the expectation of every passenger, employee and nation.  “Once, our in-flight food was so bad, it even killed one of our pilots in mid-air during the course of a journey, but we still ensured every customer left with a smile!” The Airline staff also ensure every customer has a warm boarding, pleasant journey and secure arrival.

“We haven’t had even one single complaint,” says the airline’s public relation officer, Aparna.  “Ever!”

Foreskin Press Continental Airlines logo 020708While many sections of the media and the blogging community lambasted the ex-President for choosing to fly on an American-based airline company, the humble and unassuming Avul Pakir Jainulabdeen Abdul Kalam silenced his worst critics by saying, “I’d rather be humiliated by a disaster-plagued foreign service provider than poorly serviced by an aging Indian carrier!”

In unrelated news, national carrier Air India is facing a serious crunch for money and is in the process of taking strong measures to turn-around it’s flagging performance.

Continental Airlines website

News related to the frisking incident 1

News related to the frisking incident 2

News related to the frisking incident 3

News related to the frisking incident 4

News related to the frisking incident 5

Pictures of various Continental crashes (more fuck-ups?)

Independent reviews of Continental Airlines 1

Independent reviews of Continental Airlines 2

Independent reviews of Continental Airlines 3

Independent reviews of Continental Airlines 4

APJ Abdul Kalam 1

APJ Abdul Kalam 2

APJ Abdul Kalam 3

The People’s President

Foreskin Press indian rupee five hundred 500 rupees image pictureMillions of Indians all over the country heaved a collective sigh of relief as they woke up to news of the latest budget that would invariably fail to affect any of their shallow meaningless lives.

“Thank God these bastards haven’t tried making my life better,” said one relieved, yet unaware MNC employee.

Foreskin Press india-budget-2009-2-16-5-3-25Year after year, Indians undergo a collective punishment in the form of a seance session by having to watch geriatric fools tell them they know how to balance a trillion-dollar national budget mostly based on debt, besides themselves having to live off Government dole. The problem is compounded by the moronic national media in India who have always suffered from low self-esteem and the pressure of having to show themselves as being ‘responsible’, ‘mature’, unbiased’ and ‘in-touch’, while the entire national reels under the most weary hours of their sodden lives.

Hospitals across the country saw crowded waiting rooms and a rush of patients who mostly consisted of vacant-eyed drooling businessmen, stock brokers, budget analysts, retired pensioners, government servants, news anchors and other people above the age of thirty-five who claim to understand the budget sessions as they are broadcast live.

Foreskin Press pencil in ear“We have also been inundated with numerous cases of people trying to gouge their eyes out, burn injuries from trying break their television sets, ear-drum ruptures from inserting sharp foreign objects repeatedly into their ear canals and even attempted suicides,” said one exhausted doctor standing in the crowded AIIMS lobby. “It’s a good thing we were prepared for this eventuality when we heard the budget session was being broadcast today.”

Foreskin Press watching_tvSchools and college authorities were relieved to learn of far fewer injuries among their wards. “It’s truly providential that no Indian youth worth his salt would ever be caught alive watching a program or channel covering turning-point events related to their own motherland and nation.” However, the worst is yet to pass.

Foreskin Press aam aadmi picture logo image template common man in IndiaHasty measures by the Government of India to contain this pandemic includes a directive to the media and political parties to stop using the vomit-inducing phrase “Aam Aadmi”, while containment experts point to this as being the leading cause of acute nausea, itching, respiratory issues and other suicidal tendencies among the younger generation that missed the original broadcast.

Said one shaken resident of Delhi’s posh Vasant Vihar, “I saved my parents from turning into vegetables by insisting that they watch a rerun of Mumbai’s grand new bridge inauguration. God gave me the wisdom to differentiate between television programs that are useful and those that are dangerous.”

Foreskin Press pranab mukherjee moron boring finance minister indiaStories of narrow-misses, near death experiences and incredible rescues abound. The nation’s collective brush with destruction at the hand of Pranab Mukherjee’s droning intonation and monotonous voice has angered lakhs of people who want to know why they are put through this harrowing experience year after year.

Meanwhile, morons from the opposition party, apparently titled the BJP, claimed that they could have done better and made an even lesser impact. Foreskin Press Advani L KWhen reporters asked what were the top three changes the fading and aging BJP would’ve made in this year’s budget session, a geriatric person named L K Advani said “Firstly in the order of presenation, secondly in the accent and intonation, and most importantly, in the saffron hue the budget rightly deserves.” When media-persons suggested that he may have confused the budget presentation with a bovine market sale normally held on the borders near Bangladesh, the angry party leader retortedJai Hind!

Photos of the Union Budget Presentation 2009

Webcast of the Union Budget 2009-2010

Finance Ministry’s Budget Website

Main Highlights of The Union Budget 2009

Understanding The Union Budget 2009 1

Understanding The Union Budget 2009 2

Understanding The Union Budget 2009 3

Understanding The Union Budget 2009 4

Understanding The Union Budget 2009 5

Foreskin Press hump ahead joke indian road sign madras chennai india chennai 1LGBT Gay Pride March Chennai 2009 Lesbian Queer Bisexual Transgendered Transexual TransvestiteHundreds of LGBT supporters gathered at the Triumph of Labour statue at the Marina Beach yesterday as a part of the Gay Pride March organized in the city of Chennai.

Thanks to the support from the current Government, a large presence of police personnel helped enliven the situation, with more numbers being exchanged than even glances.

Surprisingly, kothis, hijras and eunuchs were in much fewer numbers, and the event wasForeskin Press Pride Chennai Gay March 2009 hot uniformed men 1 dominated by mask-wearing everyday regular people. “Thank God!” was what the organizers had to say when we asked them about the low turnout of the transgendered. However, there was no down-playing the flamboyant glamor of the event, with every closet queen turning up in their best and brightest, rainbow boas, scarves, frills and more.

LGBT Gay Pride March Chennai 2009 Lesbian Queer Bisexual Transgendered Transexual TransvestiteNoted mask-designer, Paul, had specially designed face wear for himself and his friends. The masks featured beautifully hand-carved and hand painted motifs, and were bordered by bright pink feathers. When asked where he came up with the idea for the design, he said “I happened on an old and disused pink feather duster at the bottom of my mother’s cleaning cabinet.” Needless to say, the realization (that it wasn’t just the idea that came from that duster, but the materials too) swept everyone away.

LGBT Gay Pride March Chennai 2009 Lesbian Queer Bisexual Transgendered Transexual Transvestite Dog Bitch Beads FrillsThe parade saw many of man’s four-legged friends joining the voices of support. Dressed in frills and bright beads, this dog was the center of attention, with the media hounding her through the afternoon. When asked what she thought of the draconian Article 377, she said “Woof! Woof!” When we asked her what she thought of her owner who brought her out on a hot summer afternoon with nary any water or shelter in sight, she said “Woof! Woof!”

A snide remark from one the participants left everyone rolling in laughter: “The bitches are always the center of attraction!”

LGBT Gay Pride March Chennai 2009 Lesbian Queer Bisexual Transgendered Transexual TransvestiteInterestingly, there were scores of media persons crawling through the crowd, trailing wires, wares, microphones and notepads. Cameramen were seen focusing on areas of special interest, and many found it hard to control their ‘pointed’ interest in the participants. The skilled interviewers asked hard-hitting questions, much like their counterparts on TV. “Are you gay?”, asked one short bespectacled journalist of a frolicking skirted man.

Foreskin Press Pride Chennai Gay March 2009 hot uniformed menA huge brawl over the free supply of sponsored Red Bull saw queens clawing and sashes shearing, and dreams destroyed, but the organizers down-played the incident. “See how active we are? See how we’re willing to fight for what we believe is ours?”

Tired but excited parade-goers had a lot to say once they arrived at the end of the march, the statue of Mahatma Gandhi, the father of India.

Media-mogul Reuben poses with a happy fan

Media-mogul Reuben poses with a happy fan

“I hope Article three-sixty-nine is enforced,” said one exhausted queen who’d appeared to have been in the sun for far too long. “Because I can’t wait to try the legal version!”

Three-seventy-seven must go,” squealed a feline male rubbing a dark bruise on his hand, “as must the bitch who stole my Red Bull!”

Pictures of the Chennai LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer) Pride March and Parade 1

Pictures of the Chennai LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer) Pride March and Parade 2

Pictures of the Chennai LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer) Pride March and Parade 3

Pictures of the Chennai LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer) Pride March and Parade 4

Pictures of the Chennai LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer) Pride March and Parade 5

Pictures of the Chennai LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer) Pride March and Parade 6

Foreskin Press Airtel Logo icon image india telecomDespite being one of the global few to post a whopping 31% turnover and show profits running in to thousands of crores of Indian Rupees, the senior management came under severe criticism for failing to pass on suitable benefits to their manpower across Bharti’s domain of operations.

Cell Phone, Wallet, and Money in Dish rupee cash coinUnder fire from shareholders and other stake-holders, telecom giant Bharti Airtel today announced an 18% increment for all employees with a tenure greater than 2 years along with 3 months’ basic as bonus payable in lieu of mid-year performance appraisals.

The famed Burj Al-Arab by sunset

The famed Burj Al-Arab by sunset

Mr Ayearn Soemuch, head of Bharti’s global recruiting arm, made the following statement at the group’s monthly celebration held at the world renown 7-star Burj Al-Arab in Dubai, now almost second-home to Airtel’s so-called ‘conservative’ senior management: “We truly care for the people who have helped build us from the ground up. Our vision is to be the most loved and sought after employer by 2010.”

Choking on a $42.70 croissant, Mr Sunil Bharti Mittal, chairman of the Bharti Airtel empire, reportedly shrieked “that’s a good one!” and the entire senior management burst into hysterics right in the middle of their hearty breakfast.

LOL Laugh Out Loud foreskin press hysterical laughter people crowdMr Bigg Shou, the group’s Head of Alternate Revenues then stepped up to inform amused reporters that the gag was part of an innovative attempt to highlight the new and improved relaunch of the Jokes push-based service offered by the carrier to their beloved customers.

“To experience more such Laugh-Out-Loud moments” he said, “use your Airtel mobile phone to type JOKES, send it via SMS to 121, and you can add a smile to your bleak and dreary lives.”

foreskin-press-airtel-sweeping-broom-brush-clean-upThe event appeared to have galvanized the entire audience and everyone, from reporters to hotel employees, were seen immediately trying out the  new revamped service.  Even hotel cleaning staff were seen joking about the thousands of dollars worth of food that spewed out of the mouths of the senior management as they exploded into unbridled laughter on-stage.

In unrelated news, naukri.com, shine.com, monster.com and clickjobs.com reported a 400% increase in the number of job-seeker postings and CV uploads under “Networking”, “Sales & Marketing”, “Customer Service” and “Telecommunications”.  The sudden manifold increase has been attributed to the positive energy available among telecom-employees, and the “good vibes” from the job market.


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