Posts Tagged ‘reporter’
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Maduri Gupta
Indian diplomat Madhuri Gupta, arrested on charges of spying for Pakistani intelligence agencies, didn’t have access to highly classified material but it was too early to divulge more details, Minister of State for External Affairs Preneet Kaur said on Thursday.
“I rise to inform this august house that as a result of our counter intelligence effort, we had reason to believe that an official in the high commission of India in Islamabad had been passing information to the Pakistan Intelligence agencies,” the minister said in a statement in the Lok Sabha.
“The position occupied by the official did not involve access to highly classified material. The actual positions were the Doggy Style, the Cowgirl, the Reverse Cowgirl and Spooning… Oh yes, there was a lot of Spooning,” she added.
Minister Preneet Kaur
When asked how the Ministry knew that the information was indeed not highly-classified, Minister Preneet Kaur said, “every Indian can witness for themselves that the information sold by Madhuri in return for an opportunity to rut like a bitch-in-heat with a huge and hairy Pakistani is indeed lowly-classified or mediumly-classified, as we will be publishing it on the fourth-page of all the leading Dailies.”
Members of her ministry have argued that the data should be made available on the Page-3 of the relevant newspapers, as it would be a true representation of her title as Minister of State for External Affairs. Sources close to the PMO have informed this reporter that the matter is being discussed.
Requests for one-on-one interviews with Madhuri Gupta by reporters for The Foreskin Press were repeatedly denied. Officials later confirmed that the prisoner said she preferred cut dick. Analysts speculate that this confirms the “true nature of her sexual addiction to yet another well-hung Pakistani.”
Upon hearing of this latest development, renowned author-writer and media mogul Reuben Robert was reportedly quoted as saying, “She would rather deal with an endowed, circumcised and hirsute Pakistani? Well, I assure you I’m not Pakistani.”
More news on the espionage case 1
More news on the espionage case 2
More news on the espionage case 3
More news on the espionage case 4
More news on the espionage case 5
More about Minister Preneet Kaur
Information on Pakistan’s notorious ISI
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Earlier today, media-persons were sent into a tizzy when news of media-mogul Reuben Robert’s close shave on Saturday filled the rumour-mills across the country.
In keeping with his usual low-profile stance, reporters were seen camping outside his palatial Kottivakkam residence, his sprawling office, and his usual hang-outs all over the city of Chennai.
When reporters interviewed his driver-manservant, Thuyavan, a surprising number of important questions were answered. Here’s an excerpt of the ground-breaking interview:
Reporter : Do you know where Reuben is?
Thuyavan : Who wants to know?
Reporter : The whole world! What happened to Reuben? Is he safe? What was this close-shave all about?
Thuyavan : Yes.
The driver immediately left to pick up Reuben at an undisclosed location.
Later in the day, excited media-persons were met by Ishwor Karki, Reuben’s in-house representative, who issued this statement, “Shri Reuben-ji would like everybody to be calm. He will be auctioning his collection of pocket-combs, curlers and 2 hair-dryers via Ebay India. A notification on the same will be issued shortly. His hair-brush with death is not for sale at this moment.”
Relieved news-persons left the premises shortly. Analysts are still speculating the effect this news would have on the stock markets come Monday morning.
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Fitness-guru Reuben poses with two bodybuilders in Puducherry
Once a pretty much unheard-of sport, and completely dominated by the West, bodybuilding is now taking center-stage in India. What’s causing this sudden boom in body-building youth across the Nation’s gyms? Experts claim it’s the rising focus on health.
“Have you seen the number of gyms in Chennai!” exclaims a traveling bra salesman we spoke to. “There’s practically one on every street,” he claims while kneading a rather wrinkled 38-D in his hammy fist.
Bodybuilder V C Vinoth Kumar a.k.a "We See Vinoth"
Doctor Ben Dover Ensayaah attributes it to the changing trends brought about by fashion and propagated by the ubiquitous television. “Look at the people we see on TV these days… Is there even one unfit soul? Even I’ve begun working on my abs. Wanna have a look?” And the doctor attempted to lift his shirt. Luckily this reporter managed to avert his eyes before any permanent damage was done.
Who did you call chicken?
However, fitness icon and guru, Reuben Robert, had an entirely different take on the subject. “It’s the rising income-levels,” he proclaimed. “Finally, we Indians can afford to eat, as against barely subsisting or surviving. Young men now have access to food that’s actually healthy for you and rich in nutrients!”
Indian bodybuilders posing at a local competition
We later approached Reuben’s brother, professional bodybuilder Vinoth Kumar, for his views. “Why does everything have to be about how much I eat?” he growled, while shielding his plate of Tandoori Chicken. “As long as my ‘anna’ is paying for my diet, I’ll eat absolutely anything that can’t bite me back!” This reporter shudders at the narrow escape from those gnashing jaws.
"We See Vinoth" lounging at home in his underwear
Despite their low hygiene, lower IQs and non-existent morals, we are all in awe of the muscle-bound hunks around us.
While most people believe that bodybuilders are driven by a passion for strength, a fire for beating the limit, and sheer unbridled ambition, the truth is clear to only those in the know. More often than not, bodybuilders are driven purely by sheer conceit, the ability to dominate others, the sincere belief that they are superior humans and the God-like ability to be completely self-centered.
Hungry Kya?
Hungry Kya?
Remember, size does matter.
Bodybuilder V C Vinoth Kumar’s Blog
(click the link inside his blog to see his massive library of bodybuilding photos)
Video : We See Vinoth’s YouTube Channel
History of Indian bodybuilding in pictures
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Over-enthusiastic security personnel working for the recession-hit Continental Airlines created pandemonium in India after the media here released reports of India’s most-dearly-endearingly-totally-wonderfully-‘belovedly’-loved ex-President A P J Abdul Kalam was apparently frisked before being allowed to board their aircraft.
When the airline’s security head for Indian operations was contacted, he reportedly said, “It is the policy of Continental Airlines to frisk every muslim man, woman and child. It is the policy of the United States of America, in unwritten law, to be prejudiced and biased towards people of a particular faith, race, caste or creed. Aren’t you morons aware that your disgusting skin-colour only compounds the problem? You filthy Indians make me want to puke.”
Visibly disturbed reporters then contacted the operations head for Continental Airlines’ India Division. “Everyone loves being frisked,” said the agitated highly paid employee. “We particularly employ these bountiful babes who touch you in the right spots, make sure your family jewels really are your family jewels and to shake their booty at the slightest alarming indication. Fly us, and decide for yourselves.”
In the meanwhile, the normally hard-working, law-abiding, sincere and patriotic Indian Parliament was in an uproar over the incident. “We cannot accept this,” exclaimed a paan-chewing idiot politician named Laloo Prasad Yadav. “I may be Prime Minister tomorrow, and I will not take my shoes off!”
To which a smug Nitish Kumar was overheard smirking, “Thank goodness! As if his bad-breath wasn’t enough to kill everyone on the airliner!”
Continental Airlines has reiterated their commitment to customer service, adding that secure travel is the expectation of every passenger, employee and nation. “Once, our in-flight food was so bad, it even killed one of our pilots in mid-air during the course of a journey, but we still ensured every customer left with a smile!” The Airline staff also ensure every customer has a warm boarding, pleasant journey and secure arrival.
“We haven’t had even one single complaint,” says the airline’s public relation officer, Aparna. “Ever!”
While many sections of the media and the blogging community lambasted the ex-President for choosing to fly on an American-based airline company, the humble and unassuming Avul Pakir Jainulabdeen Abdul Kalam silenced his worst critics by saying, “I’d rather be humiliated by a disaster-plagued foreign service provider than poorly serviced by an aging Indian carrier!”
In unrelated news, national carrier Air India is facing a serious crunch for money and is in the process of taking strong measures to turn-around it’s flagging performance.
News related to the frisking incident 1
News related to the frisking incident 2
News related to the frisking incident 3
News related to the frisking incident 4
News related to the frisking incident 5
Pictures of various Continental crashes (more fuck-ups?)
Independent reviews of Continental Airlines 1
Independent reviews of Continental Airlines 2
Independent reviews of Continental Airlines 3
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Gigantic traffic snarls plagued the newly opened Bandra-Worli link bridge. At a whopping Rs1600 crore, this traffic jam is touted as the most expensive in the world. Officials from the Limca Book of World Records visited the site earlier today.
“We came, we saw”, said Rekhard Brehker, the LBWR’s spokesperson. “We noted.”
Using up 3200 crore man-hours and enough steel to go all the way around the circumference of the earth, the bridge still hasn’t solved the one single thing it was supposed to: Mumbai’s nightmare traffic congestion.
Getting past agriculture minister Sharad Pawar’s minions in order to ask him about the chaotic state of road traffic just hours after he and his boss, UPA chairperson Sonia Gandhi opened the bridge to the public was a task more arduous than listening to Chidambaram speak. “What traffic jam?” he asked reporters. “We only travel by helicopter or aircraft – sorry.” This opportune position however did not stop him from trying to giving himself a brown-noser and the opposition a donkey-punch by vociferously suggesting that the new bridge be named after Rajiv Gandhi*, his boss’s long buried husband.
Weary members of the public caught up in the horrendous pile-up of vehicles at both ends of the spanking new causeway had a lot on their mind. “Who the [4-letter expletive] is responsible here?”, screamed one lady at a smiling attendant.
“Truly Indian“, sighed one elderly gentleman. An eminent proctologist from South Mumbai with clenched fists told reporters, “I’m looking for a slimey 
smiling neta so I can get to the bottom of this!”
Regardless of the public’s hardship and their pointed opinions, various news channels and papers have lauded the new bridge as the dawn of India’s engineering glory.
*Statistically, there are probably more sites, landmarks, roads, colonies, monuments, streets, lanes, lakes, dams, hospitals, colleges, universities, aircraft, airports, trains, ships, platoons, helicopters, institutions, charities, foundations, harbors, ports, trusts, industries, foundries, mills, memorials, statues, buildings, stations, bus terminals, highways, forests reserves, amusement parks, welfare schemes, cyber parks, tech-parks, gardens, old age homes, orphanages and ambulance services named after that Rajiv Gandhi than pretty much anything or anyone else in the country!
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Hundreds of LGBT supporters gathered at the Triumph of Labour statue at the Marina Beach yesterday as a part of the Gay Pride March organized in the city of Chennai.
Thanks to the support from the current Government, a large presence of police personnel helped enliven the situation, with more numbers being exchanged than even glances.
Surprisingly, kothis, hijras and eunuchs were in much fewer numbers, and the event was
dominated by mask-wearing everyday regular people. “Thank God!” was what the organizers had to say when we asked them about the low turnout of the transgendered. However, there was no down-playing the flamboyant glamor of the event, with every closet queen turning up in their best and brightest, rainbow boas, scarves, frills and more.
Noted mask-designer, Paul, had specially designed face wear for himself and his friends. The masks featured beautifully hand-carved and hand painted motifs, and were bordered by bright pink feathers. When asked where he came up with the idea for the design, he said “I happened on an old and disused pink feather duster at the bottom of my mother’s cleaning cabinet.” Needless to say, the realization (that it wasn’t just the idea that came from that duster, but the materials too) swept everyone away.
The parade saw many of man’s four-legged friends joining the voices of support. Dressed in frills and bright beads, this dog was the center of attention, with the media hounding her through the afternoon. When asked what she thought of the draconian Article 377, she said “Woof! Woof!” When we asked her what she thought of her owner who brought her out on a hot summer afternoon with nary any water or shelter in sight, she said “Woof! Woof!”
A snide remark from one the participants left everyone rolling in laughter: “The bitches are always the center of attraction!”
Interestingly, there were scores of media persons crawling through the crowd, trailing wires, wares, microphones and notepads. Cameramen were seen focusing on areas of special interest, and many found it hard to control their ‘pointed’ interest in the participants. The skilled interviewers asked hard-hitting questions, much like their counterparts on TV. “Are you gay?”, asked one short bespectacled journalist of a frolicking skirted man.
A huge brawl over the free supply of sponsored Red Bull saw queens clawing and sashes shearing, and dreams destroyed, but the organizers down-played the incident. “See how active we are? See how we’re willing to fight for what we believe is ours?”
Tired but excited parade-goers had a lot to say once they arrived at the end of the march, the statue of Mahatma Gandhi, the father of India.
Media-mogul Reuben poses with a happy fan
“I hope Article three-sixty-nine is enforced,” said one exhausted queen who’d appeared to have been in the sun for far too long. “Because I can’t wait to try the legal version!”
“Three-seventy-seven must go,” squealed a feline male rubbing a dark bruise on his hand, “as must the bitch who stole my Red Bull!”
Pictures of the Chennai LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer) Pride March and Parade 1
Pictures of the Chennai LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer) Pride March and Parade 2
Pictures of the Chennai LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer) Pride March and Parade 3
Pictures of the Chennai LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer) Pride March and Parade 4
Pictures of the Chennai LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer) Pride March and Parade 5
Pictures of the Chennai LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer) Pride March and Parade 6
An enraged Reuben lashed out at the media for willfully vilifying his attempts at serious and uncensored ‘unjournalism’.
During the course of his lengthy discourse on the various implied and hurtful reporting practices, he openly targeted The Daily Tamasha and The Velvet Blog for alleged plagiarism and veiled threats that were “coded into the language used on their ‘imitation’ blogs”.
A weary listener pointed out that those blogs had begun way before his own personal foray in the digital space, an enraged Reuben responded “I still haven’t had my chilled orange juice, you maladroit mongrel!” The individual was later identified as Reuben’s personal manservant, Thuyavan,
API. File Photo of Reuben and Thuyavan
who also multi-tasks as his launderer, driver, part-time cook, bodyguard, strong-arm and all round right-hand man.
When Thuyavan was asked for his own personal view on the situation at hand, he reportedly said “Sir is absolutely right. Scraping off the [tamil expletive] from the roof of the [tamil expletive] car took all my [general expletive] time, and indeed, I had failed to provide him with his everyday glass of chilled orange juice.”
In related news, Jim Donahue of the famed Velvet Blog said “Who the [expletive] is that?” when asked about Reuben Robert. Interestingly, mild-mannered Varun Grover, author of The Daily Tamasha said something very similar when asked the same question.
In completely unrelated news, Pagal Patrakar said “Huh?”
Paper Trails & Launch Travails
Posted on: June 20, 2009
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Confusion ran riot at the low-key launch of this irregular daily, presided over by a ubiquitous tubby and hirsute gentleman in office formals and designer facial hair. Reuben Robert, new entrant on the journalism scene with his inexplicably titled The Foreskin Press, left visitors and reporters alike: parched, perspiring and perplexed.
Inauguration of Foreskin Press
The event hosted at his current employer’s pantry was tightly packed with “people dearest <to me>, renowned journalists, active bloggers, <my> family, friends and so many who love and care for <me>…”
All three of the five invitees who attended were squeezed into the venue between a defunct water-cooler and an angry refrigerator. The venue’s poor ventilation, cramped seating and a notable lack of drinking water was further compounded by the extra-spicy samosas, a flatulent office-attendant, and some serious miscommunication.
When one visitor questioned the awkward and possibly objectionable choice for a news daily’s name, Reuben’s belligerent “everybody makes mistakes, okay?” left everyone befuddled.
Candid picture of camera-shy media mogul Reuben Robert
Some questions pertaining to the news daily’s intended audience, and the various channels of reaching said readers were answered with a perplexedly philosophical “yes, yes, yes.”
Reuben’s unconventional speech involved baffling clichés including, but not limited to, “making hay while the tide’s out”, “jittery pussies jumping over full moonings”, “milking boys while the cows graze”, and the completely arcane “that’s hot!”
His closing promise to inject a much needed breath of fresh air into the stale smegma of current affairs was immediately followed by an explosive and protracted rrrrrip that left everyone in shocked silence.
“Sorry, sir” said the rotund office boy.
