Posts Tagged ‘expletive’
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Gigantic traffic snarls plagued the newly opened Bandra-Worli link bridge. At a whopping Rs1600 crore, this traffic jam is touted as the most expensive in the world. Officials from the Limca Book of World Records visited the site earlier today.
“We came, we saw”, said Rekhard Brehker, the LBWR’s spokesperson. “We noted.”
Using up 3200 crore man-hours and enough steel to go all the way around the circumference of the earth, the bridge still hasn’t solved the one single thing it was supposed to: Mumbai’s nightmare traffic congestion.
Getting past agriculture minister Sharad Pawar’s minions in order to ask him about the chaotic state of road traffic just hours after he and his boss, UPA chairperson Sonia Gandhi opened the bridge to the public was a task more arduous than listening to Chidambaram speak. “What traffic jam?” he asked reporters. “We only travel by helicopter or aircraft – sorry.” This opportune position however did not stop him from trying to giving himself a brown-noser and the opposition a donkey-punch by vociferously suggesting that the new bridge be named after Rajiv Gandhi*, his boss’s long buried husband.
Weary members of the public caught up in the horrendous pile-up of vehicles at both ends of the spanking new causeway had a lot on their mind. “Who the [4-letter expletive] is responsible here?”, screamed one lady at a smiling attendant.
“Truly Indian“, sighed one elderly gentleman. An eminent proctologist from South Mumbai with clenched fists told reporters, “I’m looking for a slimey 
smiling neta so I can get to the bottom of this!”
Regardless of the public’s hardship and their pointed opinions, various news channels and papers have lauded the new bridge as the dawn of India’s engineering glory.
*Statistically, there are probably more sites, landmarks, roads, colonies, monuments, streets, lanes, lakes, dams, hospitals, colleges, universities, aircraft, airports, trains, ships, platoons, helicopters, institutions, charities, foundations, harbors, ports, trusts, industries, foundries, mills, memorials, statues, buildings, stations, bus terminals, highways, forests reserves, amusement parks, welfare schemes, cyber parks, tech-parks, gardens, old age homes, orphanages and ambulance services named after that Rajiv Gandhi than pretty much anything or anyone else in the country!
Queer Convergence
Posted on: June 28, 2009
- In: Current Events | India | Politics | Satirical | Sex | Sexuality
- 8 Comments
Railway stations, out-station bus depots and various airports at the country’s Metros have been witness to the most colourful disembarkations over the last two days.
The Gay Pride marches being organized across India’s leading cities has seen queens converging in droves like flies are drawn to, well, shit.
People who prefer sex with members of the same sex promise to add colour to our dreary days not just by marching down the streets of Mumbai, Delhi, Bhubaneshwar, Hyderabad, Calcutta, Bangalore and now, even Chennai, but by also getting the controversial Article 377 of the archaic Indian Constitution repealed.
“Who I [4-letter expletive] is my [4-letter expletive]ing business,” shrieks a saree draped Surendar, sashaying past the media. And that pretty much sums up what the supposedly liberal hearted faggots are looking for.
On the other hand, however, we have the Home Ministry who are filled with brilliant old men who always know what’s best for India. And they appear quite subdued about the whole LGBT activism. “I will not succumb to temptation,” shouted a minister, leaving reporters confused.
The third player in the game of strange bedfellows is the High Court, who promises to be a little forward-thinking. However, as the Indian public are well aware, thinking and actually doing are two very different things in our part of the sub-continent.
Not withstanding, queers all over the country are using this as an opportunity to party, over-dress, bitch, fight, wear make-up, borrow their mum’s underwear and shoes, pull on panty-hose, and generally make a spectacle of themselves.
Policemen all over the country have been similarly prepping themselves up for the grand day, some with extra groin cups and others with sunscreen. “As if they aren’t already a bunch of confused non-men trying to palm off their perversion as a form of artistic expression,” says an angry policeman scheduled for duty at the Chennai Pride March.
“It’s bad enough that there’s a one in eight chance the offspring from my own rather well-endowed loins could turn out to be faggot,” bemoans another beefy policeman. “Now I have to put up with him making a mockery of my manhood.”
Another group of handsome young policemen sweltering under Chennai’s intense humidity asks, “Why the hell are we being asked to protect these kothis? We’re the ones who need to be protected from them!” True to form, many fags gathered at the march have used every opportunity to brush up or feel up the cops on duty and were seen trying to exchange phone numbers with the reluctant young men in uniform.
The homos however have a different take on this. “I got six numbers today,” exclaims a lipstick wearing young thing of indeterminate sex. “What do you mean ‘reluctant young men in uniform’? I found them very willing”, it said with a wink.
When this reporter clarified that the question pertained not to the willingness of the cops but to the overall issue at hand, the youth with the slathered on lipstick retorted, “Who cares? I’ve got one muscled policeman lined up for every night through the coming week. Who will you be sleeping with?”, and sashayed away with a laugh and a wild swing of the hips.
An enraged Reuben lashed out at the media for willfully vilifying his attempts at serious and uncensored ‘unjournalism’.
During the course of his lengthy discourse on the various implied and hurtful reporting practices, he openly targeted The Daily Tamasha and The Velvet Blog for alleged plagiarism and veiled threats that were “coded into the language used on their ‘imitation’ blogs”.
A weary listener pointed out that those blogs had begun way before his own personal foray in the digital space, an enraged Reuben responded “I still haven’t had my chilled orange juice, you maladroit mongrel!” The individual was later identified as Reuben’s personal manservant, Thuyavan,
API. File Photo of Reuben and Thuyavan
who also multi-tasks as his launderer, driver, part-time cook, bodyguard, strong-arm and all round right-hand man.
When Thuyavan was asked for his own personal view on the situation at hand, he reportedly said “Sir is absolutely right. Scraping off the [tamil expletive] from the roof of the [tamil expletive] car took all my [general expletive] time, and indeed, I had failed to provide him with his everyday glass of chilled orange juice.”
In related news, Jim Donahue of the famed Velvet Blog said “Who the [expletive] is that?” when asked about Reuben Robert. Interestingly, mild-mannered Varun Grover, author of The Daily Tamasha said something very similar when asked the same question.
In completely unrelated news, Pagal Patrakar said “Huh?”
The Foreskin Press 