The Foreskin Press

Posts Tagged ‘funny

Madhuri Gupta

Maduri Gupta

Indian diplomat Madhuri Gupta, arrested on charges of spying for Pakistani intelligence agencies, didn’t have access to highly classified material but it was too early to divulge more details, Minister of State for External Affairs Preneet Kaur said on Thursday.

“I rise to inform this august house that as a result of our counter intelligence effort, we had reason to believe that an official in the high commission of India in Islamabad had been passing information to the Pakistan Intelligence agencies,” the minister said in a statement in the Lok Sabha.

“The position occupied by the official did not involve access to highly classified material.  The actual positions were the Doggy Style, the Cowgirl, the Reverse Cowgirl and Spooning… Oh yes, there was a lot of Spooning,” she added.

Minister Preneet Kaur

When asked how the Ministry knew that the information was indeed not highly-classified,  Minister Preneet Kaur said, “every Indian can witness for themselves that the information sold by Madhuri in return for an opportunity to rut like a bitch-in-heat with a huge and hairy Pakistani is indeed lowly-classified or mediumly-classified, as we will be publishing it on the fourth-page of all the leading Dailies.”

Members of her ministry have argued that the data should be made available on the Page-3 of the relevant newspapers, as it would be a true representation of her title as Minister of State for External Affairs. Sources close to the PMO have informed this reporter that the matter is being discussed.

Requests for one-on-one interviews with Madhuri Gupta by reporters for The Foreskin Press were repeatedly denied. Officials later confirmed that the prisoner said she preferred cut dick.  Analysts speculate that this confirms the “true nature of her sexual addiction to yet another well-hung  Pakistani.”

Upon hearing of this latest development, renowned author-writer and media mogul Reuben Robert was reportedly quoted as saying, “She would rather deal with an endowed, circumcised and hirsute Pakistani?  Well, I assure you I’m not Pakistani.”


More news on the espionage case 1

More news on the espionage case 2

More news on the espionage case 3

More news on the espionage case 4

More news on the espionage case 5

More about Minister Preneet Kaur

Information on Pakistan’s notorious ISI

Information on Pakistan’s Intelligence Bureau

Information on India’s Intelligence Bureau

Fitness-guru Reuben poses with two bodybuilders in Puducherry

Once a pretty much unheard-of sport, and completely dominated by the West, bodybuilding is now taking center-stage in India.  What’s causing this sudden boom in body-building youth across the Nation’s gyms?  Experts claim it’s the rising focus on health.

“Have you seen the number of gyms in Chennai!” exclaims a traveling bra salesman we spoke to.  “There’s practically one on every street,” he claims while kneading a rather wrinkled 38-D in his hammy fist.

Bodybuilder V C Vinoth Kumar a.k.a "We See Vinoth"

Doctor Ben Dover Ensayaah attributes it to the changing trends brought about by fashion and propagated by the ubiquitous television.  “Look at the people we see on TV these days… Is there even one unfit soul?  Even I’ve begun working on my abs.  Wanna have a look?” And the doctor attempted to lift his shirt.  Luckily this reporter managed to avert his eyes before any permanent damage was done.

Who did you call chicken?

However, fitness icon and guru, Reuben Robert, had an entirely different take on the subject. “It’s the rising income-levels,” he proclaimed.  “Finally, we Indians can afford to eat, as against barely subsisting or surviving.  Young men now have access to food that’s actually healthy for you and rich in nutrients!”

Indian bodybuilders posing at a local competition

We later approached Reuben’s brother, professional bodybuilder Vinoth Kumar, for his views.  “Why does everything have to be about how much I eat?” he growled, while shielding his plate of Tandoori Chicken.  “As long as my ‘anna’ is paying for my diet, I’ll eat absolutely anything that can’t bite me back!” This reporter shudders at the narrow escape from those gnashing jaws.

"We See Vinoth" lounging at home in his underwear

Despite their low hygiene, lower IQs and non-existent morals, we are all in awe of the muscle-bound hunks around us.

While most people believe that bodybuilders are driven by a passion for strength, a fire for beating the limit, and sheer unbridled ambition, the truth is clear to only those in the know.  More often than not, bodybuilders are driven purely by sheer conceit, the ability to dominate others, the sincere belief that they are superior humans and the God-like ability to be completely self-centered.

Hungry Kya?

Remember,  size does matter.


Bodybuilder V C Vinoth Kumar’s Blog

(click the link inside his blog to see his massive library of bodybuilding photos)

Video : We See Vinoth’s YouTube Channel

History of Indian bodybuilding in pictures

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The Tamil Nadu Government’s proactive step in issuing ration cards with the option to choose between ‘M‘ for Male, ‘F‘ for Female and ‘T‘ for Transgendered has recently been at the center of much controversy.

SWING, an NGO supporting children’s playgrounds, has highlighted the plight of bi-sexual men in India by asking for a ‘B’ on the ration cards.  “This issue has just been going back-back-forth-forth”, said Goe Bodhways.

Foreskin Press Wrestler Bodybuilder Indian Pehelwan Massive Muscle Man Shiv SenaIn the meanwhile, a particularly vociferous group has been lobbying to add an ‘MM’ to the much disputed list.  Jim Bheef, representing the group Sit -Ups, says that Muscle Marys within the community have been ostracized due to the fact that they have far more brawn and body odour than brains and poise.  “This is our lifestyle choice”, he retorts. “If I choose to take up steroids and shrivel up my gonads in the false hope that being extra beefy and straight-acting will make people respect and look up to me, then it’s my own choice.  Foreskin Press Muscle Mary floral pattern dumb bellsBut I want the Government of Tamil Nadu to recognize this and grant us Muscle Marys special status.” While it is unclear what Sit-Ups is hoping to gain from the representation, rumor has it that they expect whey foods and protein supplements to be part of the government hand-out at ration stores across the country.

“I prefer my protein straight from my man”, says Senthil ‘Sway’ Saro of Rated-A, a group fighting to have the Government recognize the enormous number of Indian men who prefer having sex with in the dark rear seats across thousands of adult cinema halls in the country.

While the current DMK Government has remained resolutely silent on the issue, the opposition parties have readily jumped into the fray.

Foreskin Press Captain Vijayakanth Indian Tamil Moron ActorMovie super-star “Captain” Vijaykant, of the newly formed DMDK, seemed rather unfazed.  Winking at reporters he said, “Many of them have come to my private farm house in Trichy to petition their cause.” When asked how he handled the issue, Vijaykant reportedly said, “one by one, every night.”

Foreskin Press Jayalalitha Sasikala Garland Lesbian Marriage IndiaHowever, when reporters converged on AIADMK supremo’s famed Poes Gardens residence, Jayalalitha appeared to be unaware of the brewing storm.  “I have no sexual relations with Sasikala, and never will.  I always entertain my closet… er… closest friends in my bedroom, and the media is always turning this around.”

A proposal to include the letter ‘P‘ to the contentious list has however, been turned down.  When contacted, petitioner R K Laxman said, “It’s only right that we identify Politicians as a seperate sexual gender.  Afterall, they’ve been [4-letter expletive]ing every living thing in this country!”

Foreskin Press Airtel Logo icon image india telecomDespite being one of the global few to post a whopping 31% turnover and show profits running in to thousands of crores of Indian Rupees, the senior management came under severe criticism for failing to pass on suitable benefits to their manpower across Bharti’s domain of operations.

Cell Phone, Wallet, and Money in Dish rupee cash coinUnder fire from shareholders and other stake-holders, telecom giant Bharti Airtel today announced an 18% increment for all employees with a tenure greater than 2 years along with 3 months’ basic as bonus payable in lieu of mid-year performance appraisals.

The famed Burj Al-Arab by sunset

The famed Burj Al-Arab by sunset

Mr Ayearn Soemuch, head of Bharti’s global recruiting arm, made the following statement at the group’s monthly celebration held at the world renown 7-star Burj Al-Arab in Dubai, now almost second-home to Airtel’s so-called ‘conservative’ senior management: “We truly care for the people who have helped build us from the ground up. Our vision is to be the most loved and sought after employer by 2010.”

Choking on a $42.70 croissant, Mr Sunil Bharti Mittal, chairman of the Bharti Airtel empire, reportedly shrieked “that’s a good one!” and the entire senior management burst into hysterics right in the middle of their hearty breakfast.

LOL Laugh Out Loud foreskin press hysterical laughter people crowdMr Bigg Shou, the group’s Head of Alternate Revenues then stepped up to inform amused reporters that the gag was part of an innovative attempt to highlight the new and improved relaunch of the Jokes push-based service offered by the carrier to their beloved customers.

“To experience more such Laugh-Out-Loud moments” he said, “use your Airtel mobile phone to type JOKES, send it via SMS to 121, and you can add a smile to your bleak and dreary lives.”

foreskin-press-airtel-sweeping-broom-brush-clean-upThe event appeared to have galvanized the entire audience and everyone, from reporters to hotel employees, were seen immediately trying out the  new revamped service.  Even hotel cleaning staff were seen joking about the thousands of dollars worth of food that spewed out of the mouths of the senior management as they exploded into unbridled laughter on-stage.

In unrelated news, naukri.com, shine.com, monster.com and clickjobs.com reported a 400% increase in the number of job-seeker postings and CV uploads under “Networking”, “Sales & Marketing”, “Customer Service” and “Telecommunications”.  The sudden manifold increase has been attributed to the positive energy available among telecom-employees, and the “good vibes” from the job market.

An enraged Reuben lashed out at the media for willfully vilifying his attempts at serious and uncensored ‘unjournalism’.

Foreskin Press Old Style Typewriter Keys AlphabetDuring the course of his lengthy discourse on the various implied and hurtful reporting practices, he openly targeted The Daily Tamasha and The Velvet Blog for alleged plagiarism and veiled threats that were “coded into the language used on their ‘imitation’ blogs”.

A weary listener pointed out that those blogs had begun way before his own personal foray in the digital space, an enraged Reuben responded “I still haven’t had my chilled orange juice, you maladroit mongrel!” The individual was later identified as Reuben’s personal manservant, Thuyavan,

API.  File Photo of Reuben and Thuyavan

API. File Photo of Reuben and Thuyavan

who also multi-tasks as his launderer, driver, part-time cook, bodyguard, strong-arm and all round right-hand man.

When Thuyavan was asked for his own personal view on the situation at hand, he reportedly said “Sir is absolutely right.  Scraping off the [tamil expletive] from the roof of the [tamil expletive] car took all my [general expletive] time, and indeed, I had failed to provide him with his everyday glass of chilled orange juice.”

In related news, Jim Donahue of the famed Velvet Blog said “Who the [expletive] is that?” when asked about Reuben Robert.  Interestingly, mild-mannered Varun Grover, author of The Daily Tamasha said something very similar when asked the same question.

In completely unrelated news, Pagal Patrakar said “Huh?”

Confusion ran riot at the low-key launch of this irregular daily, presided over by a ubiquitous tubby and hirsute gentleman in office formals and designer facial hair.  Reuben Robert, new entrant on the journalism scene with his inexplicably titled The Foreskin Press, left visitors and reporters alike: parched, perspiring and perplexed.

Inauguration of Foreskin Press

Inauguration of Foreskin Press

The event hosted at his current employer’s pantry was tightly packed with “people dearest <to me>, renowned journalists, active bloggers, <my> family, friends and so many who love and care for <me>…”

All three of the five invitees who attended were squeezed into the venue between a defunct water-cooler and an angry refrigerator.  The venue’s poor ventilation, cramped seating and a notable lack of drinking water was further compounded by the extra-spicy samosas, a flatulent office-attendant, and some serious miscommunication.

When one visitor questioned the awkward and possibly objectionable choice for a news daily’s name, Reuben’s belligerent “everybody makes mistakes, okay?” left everyone befuddled.

Candid picture of camera-shy media mogul Reuben Robert

Candid picture of camera-shy media mogul Reuben Robert

Some questions pertaining to the news daily’s intended audience, and the various channels of reaching said readers were answered with a perplexedly philosophical “yes, yes, yes.”

Reuben’s unconventional speech involved baffling clichés including, but not limited to, “making hay while the tide’s out”, “jittery pussies jumping over full moonings”, “milking boys while the cows graze”, and the completely arcane “that’s hot!”

His closing promise to inject a much needed breath of fresh air into the stale smegma of current affairs was immediately followed by an explosive and protracted rrrrrip that left everyone in shocked silence.

“Sorry, sir” said the rotund office boy.


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