Archive for the ‘Current Events’ Category
Basis our ‘Indian ethos of inclusiveness and oneness with the land’ the ministry gave clearance for erecting the steel plant with 28 additional conditions and for the POSCO port with 32 additional conditions as part of environment clearance.
“It is common knowledge that steel is a nurturing element for Mother Earth,” Environment Minister Jairam Ramesh intoned. “Without steel, why would current car manufacturers around the world work towards non-polluting and alternate energy vehicles of tomorrow? Without steel, how would the whalers and trawlers engage on sea-life restoration projects to ensure our oceans still teem with abundant life when our grandchildren eventually go fishing?”
When asked why tens of thousands of villagers and environmentalists were still against the project, the Minister responded with a curt “because they are uneducated”. He went on to add that big projects such as the POSCO unit were actually very environmentally friendly. “That’s why they’re called iron & steel plants”, he said.
Meanwhile, environmentalists at the proposed site in Orissa have been fasting and fighting while feasting on Machha Curry, Bhendi Bhaja and steamed rice. These hardy believers have dodged rubber bullets and borne the brunt of the angry security forces’ lathis to ensure leaders of the Posco Pratirodh Sangram Samiti arrive safely in their Toyota Fortuners and Mahindra Scorpios. “Any damage to their expensive cars would require more steel to fix,” admitted a sheepish activist.
Regardless of whether their war against the erection of the 12-million tonne steel plant is won, the ability of the protest leaders to create a rebellion against the one single opportunity to alleviate poverty in the region has already secured themselves an assured berth on the next Government in Orissa.
A statement from the world’s Global Representative for Planet Earth and Near-Space, Hon’ Reuben Robert, left earnest news agencies baffled when he quipped “Since when did POSCO get into steel? I find their balls tight, bouncy and a joy to play with.”
This statement was later clarified by his spokesperson as a “minor confusion” with the sports brand COSCO.
Earlier today, media-persons were sent into a tizzy when news of media-mogul Reuben Robert’s close shave on Saturday filled the rumour-mills across the country.
When reporters interviewed his driver-manservant, Thuyavan, a surprising number of important questions were answered. Here’s an excerpt of the ground-breaking interview:
Reporter : Do you know where Reuben is?
Thuyavan : Who wants to know?
Reporter : The whole world! What happened to Reuben? Is he safe? What was this close-shave all about?
Thuyavan : Yes.
The driver immediately left to pick up Reuben at an undisclosed location.
Later in the day, excited media-persons were met by Ishwor Karki, Reuben’s in-house representative, who issued this statement, “Shri Reuben-ji would like everybody to be calm. He will be auctioning his collection of pocket-combs, curlers and 2 hair-dryers via Ebay India. A notification on the same will be issued shortly. His hair-brush with death is not for sale at this moment.”
Relieved news-persons left the premises shortly. Analysts are still speculating the effect this news would have on the stock markets come Monday morning.
Once a pretty much unheard-of sport, and completely dominated by the West, bodybuilding is now taking center-stage in India. What’s causing this sudden boom in body-building youth across the Nation’s gyms? Experts claim it’s the rising focus on health.
“Have you seen the number of gyms in Chennai!” exclaims a traveling bra salesman we spoke to. “There’s practically one on every street,” he claims while kneading a rather wrinkled 38-D in his hammy fist.
Doctor Ben Dover Ensayaah attributes it to the changing trends brought about by fashion and propagated by the ubiquitous television. “Look at the people we see on TV these days… Is there even one unfit soul? Even I’ve begun working on my abs. Wanna have a look?” And the doctor attempted to lift his shirt. Luckily this reporter managed to avert his eyes before any permanent damage was done.
However, fitness icon and guru, Reuben Robert, had an entirely different take on the subject. “It’s the rising income-levels,” he proclaimed. “Finally, we Indians can afford to eat, as against barely subsisting or surviving. Young men now have access to food that’s actually healthy for you and rich in nutrients!”
We later approached Reuben’s brother, professional bodybuilder Vinoth Kumar, for his views. “Why does everything have to be about how much I eat?” he growled, while shielding his plate of Tandoori Chicken. “As long as my ‘anna’ is paying for my diet, I’ll eat absolutely anything that can’t bite me back!” This reporter shudders at the narrow escape from those gnashing jaws.
Despite their low hygiene, lower IQs and non-existent morals, we are all in awe of the muscle-bound hunks around us.
While most people believe that bodybuilders are driven by a passion for strength, a fire for beating the limit, and sheer unbridled ambition, the truth is clear to only those in the know. More often than not, bodybuilders are driven purely by sheer conceit, the ability to dominate others, the sincere belief that they are superior humans and the God-like ability to be completely self-centered.
Remember, size does matter.
(click the link inside his blog to see his massive library of bodybuilding photos)
Posted August 11, 2009on:
Early today, Rupert Murdoch, owner of the STAR Television Network, officially announced that they have run out of any and all original programming for broadcast on their English language channel, STAR World.
With viewers clamoring “I watch STAR World, get me out of here!“, the broadcasting giant’s management find themselves looking at the graying anatomy of their line-up.
The network’s current choice of sad and revolting reality-based shows have left audiences asking if the people at STAR really were smarter than a fifth grader?
While the broadcaster still maintains that their programming line up aims to be bold and beautiful, the viewing public thinks otherwise. “What lame asshole would choose to play reruns of Friends over and over and over again for years on end?!” screamed one frustrated mother of three. A 12 year old we interviewed wanted to know if “Karan Johar really is a closet faggot?“
With STAR TV refusing to act on the feedback of millions of viewers, one is left wondering whose line it is, anyway?
Over-enthusiastic security personnel working for the recession-hit Continental Airlines created pandemonium in India after the media here released reports of India’s most-dearly-endearingly-totally-wonderfully-‘belovedly’-loved ex-President A P J Abdul Kalam was apparently frisked before being allowed to board their aircraft.
When the airline’s security head for Indian operations was contacted, he reportedly said, “It is the policy of Continental Airlines to frisk every muslim man, woman and child. It is the policy of the United States of America, in unwritten law, to be prejudiced and biased towards people of a particular faith, race, caste or creed. Aren’t you morons aware that your disgusting skin-colour only compounds the problem? You filthy Indians make me want to puke.”
Visibly disturbed reporters then contacted the operations head for Continental Airlines’ India Division. “Everyone loves being frisked,” said the agitated highly paid employee. “We particularly employ these bountiful babes who touch you in the right spots, make sure your family jewels really are your family jewels and to shake their booty at the slightest alarming indication. Fly us, and decide for yourselves.”
In the meanwhile, the normally hard-working, law-abiding, sincere and patriotic Indian Parliament was in an uproar over the incident. “We cannot accept this,” exclaimed a paan-chewing idiot politician named Laloo Prasad Yadav. “I may be Prime Minister tomorrow, and I will not take my shoes off!”
To which a smug Nitish Kumar was overheard smirking, “Thank goodness! As if his bad-breath wasn’t enough to kill everyone on the airliner!”
Continental Airlines has reiterated their commitment to customer service, adding that secure travel is the expectation of every passenger, employee and nation. “Once, our in-flight food was so bad, it even killed one of our pilots in mid-air during the course of a journey, but we still ensured every customer left with a smile!” The Airline staff also ensure every customer has a warm boarding, pleasant journey and secure arrival.
“We haven’t had even one single complaint,” says the airline’s public relation officer, Aparna. “Ever!”
While many sections of the media and the blogging community lambasted the ex-President for choosing to fly on an American-based airline company, the humble and unassuming Avul Pakir Jainulabdeen Abdul Kalam silenced his worst critics by saying, “I’d rather be humiliated by a disaster-plagued foreign service provider than poorly serviced by an aging Indian carrier!”
Posted July 7, 2009on:
Millions of Indians all over the country heaved a collective sigh of relief as they woke up to news of the latest budget that would invariably fail to affect any of their shallow meaningless lives.
“Thank God these bastards haven’t tried making my life better,” said one relieved, yet unaware MNC employee.
Year after year, Indians undergo a collective punishment in the form of a seance session by having to watch geriatric fools tell them they know how to balance a trillion-dollar national budget mostly based on debt, besides themselves having to live off Government dole. The problem is compounded by the moronic national media in India who have always suffered from low self-esteem and the pressure of having to show themselves as being ‘responsible’, ‘mature’, unbiased’ and ‘in-touch’, while the entire national reels under the most weary hours of their sodden lives.
Hospitals across the country saw crowded waiting rooms and a rush of patients who mostly consisted of vacant-eyed drooling businessmen, stock brokers, budget analysts, retired pensioners, government servants, news anchors and other people above the age of thirty-five who claim to understand the budget sessions as they are broadcast live.
“We have also been inundated with numerous cases of people trying to gouge their eyes out, burn injuries from trying break their television sets, ear-drum ruptures from inserting sharp foreign objects repeatedly into their ear canals and even attempted suicides,” said one exhausted doctor standing in the crowded AIIMS lobby. “It’s a good thing we were prepared for this eventuality when we heard the budget session was being broadcast today.”
Schools and college authorities were relieved to learn of far fewer injuries among their wards. “It’s truly providential that no Indian youth worth his salt would ever be caught alive watching a program or channel covering turning-point events related to their own motherland and nation.” However, the worst is yet to pass.
Hasty measures by the Government of India to contain this pandemic includes a directive to the media and political parties to stop using the vomit-inducing phrase “Aam Aadmi”, while containment experts point to this as being the leading cause of acute nausea, itching, respiratory issues and other suicidal tendencies among the younger generation that missed the original broadcast.
Said one shaken resident of Delhi’s posh Vasant Vihar, “I saved my parents from turning into vegetables by insisting that they watch a rerun of Mumbai’s grand new bridge inauguration. God gave me the wisdom to differentiate between television programs that are useful and those that are dangerous.”
Stories of narrow-misses, near death experiences and incredible rescues abound. The nation’s collective brush with destruction at the hand of Pranab Mukherjee’s droning intonation and monotonous voice has angered lakhs of people who want to know why they are put through this harrowing experience year after year.
Meanwhile, morons from the opposition party, apparently titled the BJP, claimed that they could have done better and made an even lesser impact. When reporters asked what were the top three changes the fading and aging BJP would’ve made in this year’s budget session, a geriatric person named L K Advani said “Firstly in the order of presenation, secondly in the accent and intonation, and most importantly, in the saffron hue the budget rightly deserves.” When media-persons suggested that he may have confused the budget presentation with a bovine market sale normally held on the borders near Bangladesh, the angry party leader retorted “Jai Hind!“